Chapter 44 – Choice (2)
The dew of the sleepless dawn clings to my ears and doesn’t know how to fall. I groped for the warmth of my heart, savoring the cold touch of reason. It was not the remnants of emotion that permeated between my palms, but only the scars left on my body.
I felt like I would have a nightmare if I slept hugging something like that, so I pulled the blanket for no reason. However, even doing so does not relieve the cold that is engraved on it. Only then did I realize that the source of the chill was in the empty seat next to me.
It’s funny. It was a contradiction in itself that I felt lonely only now when I had always slept alone. If Saya hadn’t come to me, I would still be alone.
It must have been. If I hadn’t met her, I might have slept as if I were dead until her destruction approached. In that sense, Saya was the person who brought me back to life.
But I still don’t know clearly why I have to live. I’ve been rolling, tearing, killing, and getting hurt in order to live, but I’ve never thought about the reason.
Just because I knew it was the best. That was it.
I thought so, but it was only now that the moment of choice had arrived, and I began to question myself. Is there a reason to live on a subject where I can’t even properly answer who my precious person is? Does this human named Rope have the right to live?
…
Come to think of it, it seems that Saya said a similar story earlier. Maybe I’m the only one left. At the time, I thought it was just a monologue, but in fact it was a question.
So what do I think of Saya?
What do you think, did you accept yourself without any reluctance? Why can’t you treat yourself carelessly while throwing distrust in everyone else? Also, why did they care so much during their academy days?
I didn’t directly spit it out, but I asked such a question. And he himself went to the place where the waves crashed to think about his own mind.
Maybe Saaya is thinking the same thing as me.
“Under…”
In the end, what reminds me of someone is absence, not love. A void that was not felt in Lena’s absence was felt now. I did it even though I knew it was only a short time. It’s late, but now I realize that you were a very special existence to me.
That at the same time answered the previous question. When I was in the academy, why did I keep trying to help you?
At the time, I thought it was just sympathy, but it was never like that. It was just that you were special to me. You are the only one in the academy who is in the same situation as me. You who silently accept all the bullying without fighting back.
Even in this situation, your innocence of wanting to help others was special to me.
“…”
And on the other hand, I am a very humble person.
Can I consider you special?
Just as I was thinking about that, someone’s hand brushed the back of my hand.
“Ugh…”
Someone’s sighs could be heard in the darkness. In fact, I had been noticing it for a while. It was because I was the one who deliberately talked about Saya’s absence and sent her a secret invitation to her. I just wanted to watch her act.
The hand that had been wandering on the back of the hand landed on the sheet with a low sigh. The same hesitation as mine seemed to roam inside her. There seemed to be no point in watching any more.
“Lena. I’m awake.”
“Ah…As expected…That’s right.”
At my words, Lena came up with an answer that seemed like she had expected it, but it was clear that she was taken aback. I guess so. ‘Cause it’s pretty late at night Still, she snuggled her ass against the side of the bed.
“Sorry. I came in without permission. But somehow I couldn’t stand it. You know…”
“Why. Did your body even heat up?”
“…Don’t be too direct. It’s embarrassing.”
In the dark, she smiled faintly. She then came a little closer to me.
“Didn’t I approach you too suddenly during the day? I know. He seemed very embarrassed. That’s why… He said something he didn’t mean to say. Is that so?”
“…”
“Or…Is it because of that girl named Saya? She’s really pretty. I can understand why you’re attracted to her. I…I would have done the same. If I were you, I think I would have fallen for her instead of me.”
“Maybe.”
“But Lope. That doesn’t mean there’s only one empty place in your heart, right? Even if he’s there, you can accept at least one of me…”
Lena continued her speech and suddenly shut her mouth. Then, in her trembling voice, she threw out a word.
“…I want to die.”
“…”
“I just wanted to die.”
“Lena.”
“Why do I have to beg like this? Yes… I’m giving you what you’ve been wanting all your life. If I had come a little earlier than he, this seat would have been mine. But just because I’m a little late, should I be treated like this?”
“…”
“No. I’ve always been first to you. How can that change so easily? Besides, it’s a matter of life and death. Please Lope. Kill me now rather than abandon me. I’d rather die than live like this. So…!”
“Okay.”
I suddenly cut her tongue and stood up. Then, without any emotional agitation, he spat out a word.
“Then shall we just die together?”
“Lope…Where are we going?”
“…”
“Lope. Answer me. Huh?”
An impatient voice interrupted the answer. But I just walked. Even though Lena looked at me with anxious eyes, she had no choice but to catch up in the end.
When she raised her head, Dawn lifted the hem of Dawn’s skirt, revealing her bright red flesh. At the site of the sense of immorality, I passed by scenes full of deja vu one after another. A walk in the woods that Lena and I once passed by. The rock I leaned on and talked about. A puddle of pine needles that I mistakenly thought my heart was shaking.
If you stick out your nose and fill your lungs with the scent of memories, the fallen stars prick your heart. After brushing my teeth, I slowly stopped walking, feeling like I had eaten a handful of mints.
“Oh…”
“…”
The place I arrived at back in time and memories was a sheer cliff on the coast. I wondered if there was a Saya around here, but if so, they would have come to me first. Apparently, it was just me and Lena in this place.
Lena seemed to have noticed that too, so she continued to look around. Then she carefully grabbed her by my collar.
“Rope…”
“…”
“Why are you here?”
“Well. Why?”
“That’s why you know…Ah…No. You can tell me later.”
She tried to ask me why, but she hurriedly blurted out her words. Then, after hesitating for a while, he brought up another story.
“The bar…The sea is pretty. Right. I’ve been living on an island for so long, so why haven’t I thought of coming to the beach? I think it’s the first time we’re coming here alone.”
“I see. I think I’ve been there once.”
“Really? I don’t remember…Ah yes. I’ve been there once. Was that…Arendis anniversary?”
“I’m kidding. I’ve never been here before.”
The boring joke broke Lena’s heart. She was terribly embarrassed, but struggled to nod her head.
“Ah…Yeah. That’s right. There are so many things we couldn’t do together than we thought. To say we haven’t been to the beach even once. It’s really surprising, isn’t it?”
“There are probably many other things I haven’t done before.”
“Yes. A lot. Even after spending so much time together.”
“Why did you do that? I thought you would know the reason.”
“Because you’re both… Busy. You did, didn’t you?”
This time, Lena joked. No, wasn’t that a joke? Either way, Lena smiled awkwardly, then turned her head away when she didn’t change my expression. And she brought up another topic.
“What is Roselia doing now? We need her anyway. She was like that at the academy, but she’s such a nuisance.”
“You’re right, Lena.”
“I’m sure he’s hiding some other nefarious plot… But if you and I go alone, it might not happen.
“…”
“Sorry. That was stupid. I know. Then let’s talk about something else. Things we haven’t heard before or things that might be helpful in the future, right?”
It looked like someone was trying to please me. It had to be. Enthusiasm for survival is an instinct that even small creatures that crawl on the ground have. I can’t blame you for struggling for that.
But what I was curious about was something else. No matter how much I thought about that part, I couldn’t understand it. Especially since it was part of my situation.
“How about something like that. What can you do if you survive. Or something about that blind girl. She’s really lively. It’s like…”
“Lena. Do you still want me to be your lover?”
“Huh? That…You already said it. I thought I literally showed you my insides. Didn’t I?”
“Tell me one more time though. Do you really want me to?”
“Yeah. I’m serious, Lope. Really without any lies.”
I raised her head and looked at Lena’s face. When she tells her lies she always twists her lips or touches the hem of her dress. But there were no signs of that at all. It seems that he really sincerely thought so.
So I clenched my fists. It felt like my heart was being tangled up.
“…How could that be?”
“Because I’m serious. I’m so enlightened Lope. I only have you…”
“It’s not like that, but how can that be? Can you ask the person who will save your life to become the meaning of your life? Is that…Possible?”
“I’m shameless… Do you want to talk?”
“I’m just asking innocently.”
“No. That’s what you want to say, Lope. I’m really just…!”
For an instant, Lena’s tone turned passionate. It seems that the emotions that he could not express in front of me were like waves.
But she soon made up her mind. Then, holding her breasts, she stood squarely in front of me.
“I just do what I want. That’s all. Of course, this heart may feel heavy on you. You may even think it’s shameless. But people have second chances, don’t they?”
“As you like.”
“Yeah. And that’s not that bad. It’s a world that’s about to collapse anyway. In a world like this, it’s true that those who survive must give their hearts to each other unconditionally.”
“Is it like that?”
“Yes. Lope.”
A hand suddenly came and grabbed my hand. Then, like tears that couldn’t flow, they hung on the tip of my chin.
“When you are facing death, you have to hold onto all the precious ties in your heart.
“All…”
“Please Lope. Don’t think too hard. Let’s go together until the end. As always. Huh?”
“…”
Is it.
Can I act as I want without thinking too hard?
Lena’s mere words did not provide a clear answer. But at least she did enough to give me a new perspective. It might be okay to simply look at it without twisting and thinking like I always did.
I just want to protect Saya’s innocence.
Just thinking about it might be enough.
“…Is it like that?”
A wave came crashing in from afar. The hand that held it was just cold. But I held her hand firmly without letting go.
“It may be so. There is a point in what you say, Lena.”
“Really? If it helped… I’m glad.”
“Then let’s do our thing now.”
“Huh? What to do…”
Suddenly, Lena’s lips raised a question. But she already knew her answer. Even so, I told her the answer in a calm voice.
“You said. Let’s die together.”
“No…That’s…”
“I thought it wouldn’t be bad. And you said anything would be fine as long as you were with me. So let’s die together, Lena.”
“Lope. What happened all of a sudden… Lope!!!”
At that moment, I grabbed Lena’s hand and pushed her to the side. I almost fell, but because I held on to my hand, I was able to stand on her toes just barely at the edge of her cliff.
But it was clear that if I let go of my hand, it would fall as it were. Lena held her hand like a string and let her breathe.
“J…What are you doing right now? Don’t play around…”
“I’m not kidding. You’re doing what you said.”
“I…I was joking. No I wasn’t kidding…At least I didn’t mean it, Lope. It’s just that I was so frustrated that it just came out.”
“No. You meant it. I know that much.”
“That… Kyaaak! Lope!”
When I gently reached out, Lena let out her screams in fright. The stones thrown from under her horse hit the rocks on the shore and were shattered. She instinctively looked down at the scene and trembled all over her body.
“Ah…”
“Actually, it should have been like this from the beginning. The night you came to see me.
“Don’t…Don’t do that. Please.”
“But as you said, this might be for the best. If I don’t give you the pattern, you’ll haunt me to the end. Maybe even people who have nothing to do with me. Rather than that, I’d rather give you rest now.”
I nodded confidently. Then Lena drew in her breath as if it were a death sentence. Her weight shifted downward as she stepped her foot towards the cliff in sync with her breath. If you just leave it like this, everything is over.
She should have let it go. Because once a broken relationship is reattached, it always involves pain. If you can’t connect, you can’t even hope. That was too cruel for Lena.
In a way, it was a kind of euthanasia. This was the only mercy I could bestow upon her. But Lena didn’t understand and shook her head.
“No, Lope…Don’t think this…Weird. Please. Huh?”
“It’s not a strange idea. This is right, Lena.”
“Then…!”
“For you or for me. This is the best.”
With that word, I loosened her knuckles one by one. Lena was startled and reached out to grab my arm. Of course, what she was trying to catch was to reduce her rotten Dong-a, so it was enough to just shake it off.
Okay. I had to shake it off.
However…
…
I couldn’t really be that cool-headed.
It was a fact I realized a long time ago. The reason why I cut my wrists instead of the necks of unknown names, the reason I couldn’t silence Roselia right away that day, and the reason I couldn’t finally push Lena away were all because I couldn’t keep my cool.
“Lope please!”
“…!”
“Ouch!”
So instead of dropping her, I grabbed her again and pulled her over the cliff. Driven in by her recoil, Lena stood on the rock for a while and caught her breath.
“Ha…Ha…Ha…”
“…”
“Ah…Ah…Ugh…”
“I’m sorry Lena. I couldn’t let you go.”
I sincerely apologized. Not to her, but to her past years. Toward the memories of her that remained. After a brief tribute to her, I approached Lena and bowed her head.
“So instead, I’ll break your heart.”
“What…?”
“…”
I didn’t answer. Instead, he cast his gaze across the sky. Then, the scenery that Saya had felt for a long time finally began to come into my field of vision.
Pure white horizon. And the sun rising above it. Soot was buried in the desolate landscape where not a single seagull flew. At first, I had to frown, not knowing what that meant. However, as time passed, its identity became clear.
Blue smoke was rising over the horizon.
I saluted the token of promise that finally came. Of course, I didn’t know whose answer it would be. That was something I had to check from now on.
I finally felt a heavy weight on my shoulders. Feeling the weight of it, I slipped my hand on the sword at my waist. The feeling of the sword I had held for a long time stretched out my tongue and wrapped around my wrist.
