Chapter 62 – Let’s Go
Depressed,
Cold, hungry and lonely,
Life no longer has meaning.
I don’t want to live or die,
Want to disappear
I felt a certain sense of deja vu at the same time as I was getting chilly.
I must have experienced a scene like this before, so when I thought about it carefully, I was able to realize the identity of the feeling of déjà vu shortly after.
Ah.
Past life,
Right before dying.
“…”
Said,
I didn’t want to die.
It’s different from the previous life where I used to say that I wanted to die.
Because I knew very well what a terrible kind of death I had already suffered.
Even though ten years have passed since I started living a new life, it was not something I could forget.
In a gray space where the flow of time cannot be measured,
Only a faint consciousness floats like a dream,
The prison of the soul, to which the wedges of bitter cold strike from time to time, was the shape of the road to hell I went through.
I am,
I felt that something that no one else could ever notice was getting closer to me.
It was the smell of death.
I’m tired…
My whole body was tired from not getting enough sleep.
I didn’t fall asleep. I couldn’t sleep.
If you lose your mind like this and are pulled into the world beyond the surface of the water,
Just like before, I thought that the sticky darkness like a swamp would come and make me suffer.
I didn’t mean to, but
The burning sensation from my sprained ankle has helped quite a bit to ward off sleep.
If I hadn’t injured my foot, I would have drawn blood on my wrist or thigh like before, but I guess I could say I was lucky in my own way.
I quickly became lethargic.
I don’t want to do anything.
Because nothing seems meaningless.
If this is the case, why have you lived so long?
Even when I was given a new life, given a name that was not even funny after being picked up by the orphanage director, even when I was given a second life in an orphanage like that, I had cynical thoughts.
If you die anyway, it’s over. While doing so, looking down on the lives of others who have not experienced death, you can be so happy because you don’t know. He said…
Maybe if I hadn’t met my older brother there, I might have become a terrible hedonist.
I don’t know why the son-in-law of a well-to-do family, who stopped by the orphanage with her father, the sponsor, paid attention to me.
He was around 20 at the time, and he made fun of me every time he came to the orphanage.
What did they say, it’s funny how you look depressed.
If he had treated me kindly or with concern, I would have responded coldly and said not to mind.
Just like an earthworm wriggles when you step on it, I was the one who reacted annoyed and pissed off at my brother’s behavior teasing me for trivial reasons.
I don’t know if it’s because the mind follows the body, or because it’s a body like this, everyone will be generous with it.
I thought like a kid of that age, and I acted like a kid who couldn’t stop thinking because my brother said that he looked depressed.
Because you do it on purpose,
I think I brightened up a bit at that time.
… Just a bit too much.
When I came to my senses, I realized that I had become a tomboy recognized in the neighborhood.
“Haaa…”
Thinking back,
I think that time was really good.
The old days when the self as a woman was not established,
I remembered my older brother’s face, who was completely disgusted by the words hyung-ah, hyung-ah,
I laughed a little.
As I was recalling old memories to find the reason for living so long, I suddenly missed my older brother.
Oh wow, how long has it been
While I was thinking about this and that, the sunset was already setting,
If it were my older brother, he would surely meet me at any time, even at such a late hour.
I’m the kind of person who will do something right away if I want to do something, so I simply washed my face and body covered with cold sweat and changed my clothes.
The moment you put on your shoes and step out the front door and smell the outside air,
Ironically, I ran into someone I really didn’t want to meet right now.
“Senior.”
“…”
“Where are you going.”
Bad timing.
The moment you need is long gone.
I didn’t show my twisted feelings, and answered casually.
“I’m going to see my brother.”
I said it casually, but
You might feel that my attitude itself is a bit impure.
Maybe it’s because I was disappointed in the price I expected and expected,
Every time I see him, my rapidly beating heart from hatred and resentment creates tension and the phenomenon of speechlessness does not appear,
I just answered in a slightly sharp tone.
Thanks to that, I was taken aback, but I couldn’t repeat what I had already said.
It’s the first time I’ve seen him like this.
I think my juniors are quite embarrassed.
“… It was late.”
“You have nothing to worry about, right?”
“Wait, why are you so cold?”
If you ask why, how should I answer?
Did this happen because of you?
Is that right?
No matter how much I thought about it, there was nothing wrong with my juniors.
I just think that I, who has severe paranoia, was betrayed because I had my own expectations.
So I couldn’t bring out the word ‘because of you’.
The situation is a bit funny.
The junior had a face that he did not understand.
Just before I was kicked out of the room last night, I was lying on the same bed and shoved the bottom of his throat all the way to the end of his throat and sucked it.
A good man, he would never understand.
I don’t even want you to know.
Because it’s not too shameless.
I lost
I can’t keep my hatred from looking at him anymore.
No way
A lot has changed in one day.
But the time I went through in the dark was too long to say it was just one night.
The gap between yesterday and today was as deep as the depth of the pit I went through in my nightmare.
What if he had come to wake me up early in the morning as usual.
I tried to imagine it, but I realized that there was no point in thinking about something that didn’t happen, so I quit.
So I gave in to the fight that had no chance of winning from the beginning and broke my stubbornness.
I don’t hate you
As long as the keyword of revenge for what was done to him was gone, anything I did to him would only be a nuisance.
If that’s the case, get away from it altogether.
Deliberately treating her coldly, making her jeongnami run out, well, it would be nice to be kicked out like that. Or maybe it would be better to leave on your own.
“Senior Eve. Eve.”
“…”
“The face… I’m pale. Once in…”
“I want to go.”
As always, without heels raised or head bent to look up at him,
I said it in the dryest tone I could.
The junior is so stiff, no, there is nothing more to look at.
He’s the kind of person who won’t matter much sooner or later.
When I thought so, it rang like a stake in his chest and thumped at me, but it was unavoidable.
I hope he doesn’t hear my heartbeat.
If I caught him with this agitation, the sweet one would seize me, and I would cling to him, knowing that I would be his stain.
There is a certain degree of being selfish.
I don’t know what my expression was like.
But one thing is for sure, the junior who saw my face was very embarrassed and mumbled his mouth.
Why are you so restless?
As if to replace him who couldn’t make a decision, I turned around first.
“I’m fine.”
But I didn’t do it the way I intended.
Because the moment he took a step to the other side, he was immediately grabbed by his wrist and pulled.
Immediately after that, the altitude of the world decreased.
It was right after that that the unsightly sound of crackling banging resonated in my ears.
I fell down because I couldn’t resist helplessly against the force that pulled me.
“Senior?!”
“Ugh…”
Amid the burning pain, I thought blankly.
Why do I fall so often these days?
This time, I also had something to say.
Because of my sprained feet, it was difficult to keep my balance, but it was inevitable because he suddenly pulled me.
You’ve been bad this time.
Even perfect people like you make mistakes.
I thought mockingly, and then I strongly slashed the hand that was approaching me.
Somehow, I endured the screams of my injured feet and scraped feet on the floor,
I got up and brushed all over my body.
And I told him again what I said earlier.
“I want to go.”
As if he was in shock, the junior stood there and didn’t grab me anymore.
Fool.
If I had held it just one more time, I would have been forced into your arms.
Or, since you’re smart, have you already reached that point?
In my heart, I was thinking, “Go away quickly,” But it might have been a courtesy.
So there is no second time. Is this it?
… Hopefully, that’s not the case.
That makes me so miserable
