Chapter 1 – 1. Funeral
The social air he had breathed in half a year was not very pleasant.
It’s well past 16:00, but the sun is still hot.
It was a day I had been waiting for so long, but I didn’t expect it to come this way.
“Son.”
“⋯Mom.”
“Ride first.”
As I was sweating profusely in front of the main gate of the unit, a medium-sized car stopped in front of me.
My mother’s face was faintly visible through the window.
I can’t look into my eyes properly.
“⋯What is it?”
When I opened the back door to load my luggage, there was a passenger.
“⋯Hi.”
“Why did you even come here?”
“That’s why I went back and forth with my mother twice because of me.”
“I see.”
A sister whose hair has grown so much that it covers her shoulders.
The shade in her new eyes that I didn’t see deepened.
She’s an examinee, so she might be.
“⋯”
“⋯”
She grabbed her bag and sat in the back seat of hers.
I can see her fiddling with her fingernails on the edge of her field of vision.
What can I say?
What should I not say?
It was a very difficult thought for me, who had only ever written about social stuff.
“⋯That, Mom. Can I go in that military uniform?”
“Are you okay. Lend me your clothes there.”
It was the combat uniform she wanted so much to take off.
The fact that mourning clothes were to be worn instead was very disconcerting.
“Brother.”
“Uh.”
“⋯ Good job in the army.”
“⋯Uh.”
Whether a person is good,
Or are you ignorant?
Sure thing,
That her brother looked more mature than me.
***
She kept her mouth shut for less than an hour, and before I knew it, she returned to Seoul.
A university hospital located 5 minutes away from my mother’s family.
Funeral home on the premises.
It was the first time since the funeral of her grandfather who died when she was young.
I don’t remember very well.
“Oh, have autumn and winter come?”
“Autumn, burn incense first.”
“Brother-in-law, we need to change the children’s clothes first.”
The faces of relatives I haven’t seen since New Year’s Day.
Everyone’s expression wasn’t as bad as I thought.
“Brother, change first.”
“Uh.”
I changed into mourning clothes in the rest room attached to the funeral home.
It was awkward for nothing as I came out of the room and tightened my tie.
After that, I stood in front of a picture of the portrait with my younger brother who changed into a black hanbok.
Incense was burned and cultivation was raised.
Perhaps because the surroundings were solemn, the sound of clothes rustling was noisy.
Maternal grandmother.
If I look through my childhood memories, half of them are memories with my grandmother.
Because her mother was busy, she went to elementary school at her mother’s family.
Looking at the picture of the well-dressed portrait, a thought came to my mind at that time.
“⋯Grandma.”
Seeing her sister’s silent weeping eyes, her mother also turned her head.
They say her sadness is halved when shared.
I think that’s only half true.
Looking at the grieving family,
Because it’s pretty sad.
***
It didn’t take me as long as I thought to get my feelings under control.
Crying is exhausting, and a funeral is a three-day ritual.
So I tried not to look at her grandmother’s picture, even if it was forced.
Wouldn’t it be more embarrassing if you couldn’t lift the coffin because you were tired of crying?
“Agaul, have you been discharged?”
As she was sitting in her mortuary, her cousin, the resident, started talking to her.
Why does this nobleman reside? I suddenly thought, but I thought it would be good for the eldest son to do it because there is no uncle from my standard.
“Uh, originally, I was discharged the day after tomorrow, but I came out two days early.”
“It seems like you haven’t been in for a while, but are you coming out already?”
“Time went faster than I thought.”
When I entered, it seemed dark,
After all, I can’t remember the past days at all.
“So, what are you going to go back to school for?”
“It’s like going back to school in another semester, and it’s like going outside. Rest for half a year.”
“Well… That’s right.”
“Actually, I was going to travel, but I thought if I wandered around outside right now, my mother would slap me on the back.”
“It is.”
The giggling sound of my cousin’s laughter.
It reminds me of my elementary school days, and it’s kind of nostalgic.
“I don’t think I will study for a license, so I have to work part-time.”
“These days, everything outside is shit, so is there anywhere to work?”
“If there isn’t… Well, I should give you tutoring and get some pocket money.”
“Hey, can you take tutoring because your brain is stiff in the army?”
“I took the college entrance exam last year.”
“Okay?”
“It wasn’t something people would do.”
“Well, will things that didn’t work during active service become possible in the army?”
“That’s right.”
Even though we haven’t seen each other in a really long time, seeing how the conversation flows smoothly, it’s really amazing that we’re a family.
Even after living together for a year and a half, there were plenty of awkward people.
“So, how do you feel about your visit?”
“It was terrible on average… But I’ve only learned two things.”
“What.”
“First of all, my driving skills have improved.”
Although I only drove trucks and buses all the time.
“Hana realized some reality.”
“Which reality?”
“There is no one in the world to trust except my family.”
Everyone knows how hard it is to keep on talking without talking to each other.
Knowing that, but not being attached to the family who calls you every weekend is a crime.
Friends who don’t keep in touch even though the topic is right are also crimes.
***
I was mentally exhausted after eating raw meat and saying hello to my relatives who came to visit me one or two times for three hours.
First of all, seeing people sobbing while paying condolences makes me cry too.
This is a place where the emotional ups and downs are too severe.
“Mom.”
“Uh, son.”
“⋯Winter won’t let you go home?”
At least it’s summer vacation.
At least in my experience, there was nothing good about the emotional ups and downs of the test takers.
I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to rest at home.
“Oops, Mom was distracted and forgot.”
“Shall I take you?”
“⋯What’s going on with my son?”
Hey, you don’t trust my son.
Oh my, my son also went to the army.
“Anyway, the funeral will be held by the day after tomorrow, and he should also put him to sleep.”
“Draw. Do you need car keys?”
“Yes.”
“Do you remember where you parked?”
“I remember.”
“The inauguration ceremony is at 1:00 tomorrow, so come back before then.”
“Yep.”
“Take good care of your little brother. He will be stressed too.”
“Do not worry.”
She is a very good mother who cares about her children.
My eyes are swollen, but who cares about whom?
“Whose son is this?”
What though
Sometimes being a son,
Being an older brother isn’t too bad either.
***
It’s been a while since I stepped on the pedal of a mid-size car, and it was a little awkward.
Is it because I drive only heavy things every day?
Maybe it’s because I’m wearing mourning clothes, not military uniforms.
“⋯Are you sleepy?”
“No.”
In the passenger seat, her brother was keeping his eyes closed, so I said a word.
Maybe it’s because the water in the military hasn’t drained, but when I see him sitting next to the driver’s seat with his eyes closed, I get upset.
“I was just thinking.”
“What are you thinking?”
“⋯Just. This and that.”
⋯What. But.
It is a time when the heart is complicated.
Even if you study normally, your stomach will be twisted all over, but it must be a bit difficult.
“Uh… Well, everyone knows you’re stressed out. Go back and get some sleep.”
“It’s not like that.”
“Then what is it?”
“⋯Not worth talking about.”
If you ask me if I have a good relationship with my brother, I am good. Can be said to be
But if you ask her if she’s close, isn’t she more close than siblings? I feel like wanting to
If you ask me if I can communicate well, that is not the case again.
I don’t have anything to talk about, so sometimes it’s awkward.
I haven’t seen it in a long time.
“Kim Winter.”
“Why?”
“Do you want to drink coffee?”
Maybe it’s because the air in the car is stuffy.
Maybe it’s because I’m craving something sweet?
The coffee shop came into sight while I was caught at the signal.
“Uh… Yes.”
“What are you going to drink?”
“Oh, I will buy it. Brother is?”
“⋯In that outfit?”
At a glance, I’m just wearing a suit,
I wonder what it would be like for a high school girl in mourning clothes to go to a cafe.
“⋯Hazelnut latte. With ice.”
“Wait.”
I parked my car on the side of the road and entered the cafe.
⋯It would have been very plausible if I hadn’t forgotten that I had left my wallet in my combat uniform.
She wanted to change her phone for the first time in a while.
***
As I chewed on the traces of Americano with plenty of syrup, a familiar parking lot caught my eye.
After sending her brother up first and calling her mother, the air was quite chilly when she opened the front door.
It’s only half a year A little warm would have been fine.
“⋯I’m back.”
He whispered quietly into the empty living room.
Nodding your head in the air seems a bit odd, but
Seeing the corner of the house where only the air conditioner was turned on made me feel sentimental.
“⋯What are you doing?”
“Uh? No. Just.”
“?”
The bathroom door burst open and her brother came out, shaking her head with a towel.
No, this guy with long hair finished the shower so quickly.
“Wash your brother too. The hot water is on.”
“Uh. I’m going to wash and sleep, so you can sleep well too.”
“Huh.”
Leaving behind her brother, who went back to her room, brought her clothes for her to change into.
It was a bit hot because the bathroom was damp.
As soon as I turned on the water, just the right amount of lukewarm water came out and I left my body in the shower.
The scent of the shampoo and body wash was pleasant.
After washing off my sweat and changing into plain clothes, I felt that I had been discharged a little.
My heart is pounding all of a sudden
Come to think of it, I am now a civilian (Jin).
She went back to her room and lay down on the bed, but she couldn’t sleep.
After losing nearly an hour of sleep, she went out to the kitchen to get some cold water.
“⋯What are you doing?”
“⋯I wonder if drinking will make me fall asleep.”
At the table, her brother was opening a can of beer.
It’s a bit embarrassing.
“Do you usually drink alcohol?”
“No.”
“That’s it.”
Normally, I would have given you a word of admonition, but
I didn’t want to do that today.
Sitting across from her without saying anything, her brother took a sip of his canned beer and scowled at her.
“Write.”
“Give me.”
After taking the can, I brought a glass from the kitchen and poured the brown beer slowly.
After staring blankly at the sinking bubble, she poured the rest of the beer and handed the blackened glass to her brother.
“⋯Don’t scold me?”
“Do I look so careless in your eyes?”
“Well, a little bit.”
“It’s too much.”
Only the sound of her swallowing her beer fills the living room.
Still air.
I rather wanted to smell the scent of alcohol.
She searched the refrigerator just in case, but unfortunately there was no alcohol left.
“⋯I’m going to the convenience store, do you want something to eat?”
“⋯Potato chips.”
“Wait.”
You leave the house with only your wallet in hand.
It was a bit awkward without a hat.
Exhaling white breath, he entered the convenience store.
I put the dark beer I had earlier, the sweet fruit beer, and the appropriate side dishes in a bag.
It was strangely unfamiliar to see the part-timer calculating with his eyes wide open.
