Chapter 61 – I Want to Disappear
That’s how my junior pushed me and sent me out of the room.
I was completely kicked out without knowing why I didn’t like it so much, and I wandered in front of the door for a long time and eventually had no choice but to go into my room.
As soon as I became alone, my body, which had been warmed up by the eyes and touch of my junior throughout the day, quickly cooled down and, unable to cool down, turned as cold as his ice field.
I didn’t know what to do, why was it so cold, and shuddered at the sensation of freezing the mouth of my heart, fighting the cold and loneliness that attacked me all night, and fell asleep as if fainting at the end.
And when I woke up, it was now.
I said it happened, but it’s just consciousness.
I couldn’t move my body as if I was being pressed down by scissors.
My whole body felt terribly disgusting, as if I was being swallowed up by a black swamp, and the intuition close to foreknowledge that I might not be able to move like this forever made me feel terrible.
Invisible vines tighten my whole body, and in a state where I can neither fully open nor close my eyelids, I am surrounded by the illusion that someone is watching me, the hairs all over my body stand stiffly, and I feel like a stuffed stone statue. I couldn’t help but be so rigid.
Scary.
Time doesn’t go by, or maybe it stopped altogether.
I tried desperately to wake my motionless body, but to no avail.
Even when I feel like crying, I can’t shed a single tear.
I tried everything I could now, but to no avail.
In the end, I was swallowing only screams that would never resonate outside, saying, “Help me, because anyone is fine.”
Then, all of a sudden, I realized one thing.
It’s morning now, and if I show signs of waking up a little late, my juniors will come.
As always.
The moment I realized that, I was relieved and relieved like a person who found a ray of light at the far end of the darkness, and I endured and endured the long hours of pain, using a small wish that I wish you would come a little sooner as a torch.
He’s a person I hate to death, but I don’t mind right now, because if you come now, I’ll be able to thank you from the bottom of my heart regardless of whether I like it or not.
The subtle attitude I showed last night is a little bit off, but if I’m really angry, I can sincerely apologize. Do,
I waited and waited again.
But no matter how long you wait,
My junior didn’t come.
…
…
…
Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong I was wrong I was wrong I was wrong I was wrong I was wrong I was wrong I was wrong I was wrong I was wrong I was wrong I was wrong
Cold, dark, gloomy, frightening, painful, and cold, the feeling of freezing all over the body from the tips of the fingers,
The smell of death, which I had already experienced once, is approaching, and at the same time, the feeling of being pushed into the world beyond the Black Gate and falling,
Terrible and terrible, the desire to die rather than to live, to wish to disappear,
It fills my head with only thoughts that I must somehow get out of this situation by praying, praying, and praying to the person who took my life.
Of course, words such as “I was wrong” And “I’m sorry” Do not come out as a voice, even though I kept thinking about it until my brain stem burned with remorse including all the past mistakes, ah. Please. Please. I hate this. I don’t want to die. I’ll do anything. As for those who know nothing, the fear of death, which has already been experienced, remains in the depths of the soul like a stigma on a slave. AA AA AA–.
At the same time as something in my head clicks and feels disconnected,
I passed out like fainting.
…
…
…
“Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, uh, uhh…”
I woke up as if I was thrown out of bed,
I couldn’t stand the feeling of vomiting rising from my cramped stomach, so I vomited.
But I vomited and vomited, but nothing came out, and I just vomited.
It feels like there are dozens of large bugs crawling inside your body.
I couldn’t even vomit, so I was overcome with a strong urge to take out all the intestines and clean them.
I barely regained my senses, and the mandible. Mandible. I was able to barely get out of bed by relieving my body that was creaking as if it was out of order.
The pillow was covered with scorched marks, and the face was very gooey, probably from tears, runny nose, and all the liquid that could be saliva.
Just like the moment when I was running for a long time with all my energy, I was breathing in endlessly because my body wanted oxygen,
The moment I heard the tinnitus beeping———— my vision was blacked out and I couldn’t control my body, so I collapsed on the floor with a bang.
“Ugh-!”
It was me who gasped for breath from the pain that came right after.
It hurts, it hurts
I must have misplaced my ankle and sprained my ankle.
I was in so much pain that I fell, curled up and endured the pain, but the moment I inadvertently looked toward the window, I became the saddest I’ve ever been and couldn’t help crying.
“Why, why…”
But what comes out instead of crying is a question close to disbelief.
The sky outside the window was already full of sun.
Why.
Didn’t wake me up
I waited for you so much in that terrible darkness.
Didn’t you like what I said and did yesterday that much?
Or is it because I did something to make you hate me, not just yesterday, but today, because I exploded when I wanted you the most?
You woke me up, always. You have to wake up
You have to hold me in your arms and hold me tight to keep me warm…
“…”
I am,
All right.
I realized.
I knew from the beginning.
That what I’m thinking right now is absurd.
There were no obligations to juniors, so there was no reason for them to do anything for me.
So far, I’ve only done too much favor to the point of being too much.
Taking it away, nay, taking it away was no reason for me to resent him.
But,
I hate you. I hate you.
I hate you to death
I didn’t even want to, but first strode into my territory, and then, the moment I took it for granted, it disappeared far away as if punished.
Even at the worst possible timing. As if it was intended.
There’s nothing ironic about it.
I kept thinking about him without even getting up after falling over.
When hatred becomes resentment, resentment becomes hatred, and swelling hatred engulfs the whole body,
Like some moments when I couldn’t wake up, I felt something snapping in my head.
Just as a raging fire leaves nothing but ashes in the end,
I don’t know if it’s hatred or resentment, I just stopped thinking about it.
His heart beats when he thinks of him, at least not yet.
That’s just the lingering fire that burned everything in his heart.
It came to me that if time passed like this for a while, I would not be able to feel any inspiration toward my juniors, no, about everything in the world.
The foreshadowing was already there.
I wanted to cry, but I squeezed and squeezed my tear glands and barely managed to shed a single drop, so I’m not relieved at all.
In the end I’m blank like an idiot who’s forgotten how to cry,
How did the situation come to this? I chewed over the past time over and over again.
“…”
Ah.
I guess I was hoping for something too big.
I guess I’m being punished for doing something I shouldn’t have done.
He is a person loved by the world, so from the moment I made up my mind to try something like that, the ending might have already been decided.
It’s a life that you can’t even hate.
How far are you going to make me miserable?
I felt that my feelings towards my juniors were gradually diluted, and something else was filling the place.
That’s the hatred towards myself, I giggled eerily and blamed myself for a long time in self-torture.
…
…
…
In the living room,
A note was left with the meal that was all cooled down, presumably breakfast.
A sentence left in neat handwriting.
I’ll go first.
I guess that’s what I was thinking.
What I said and did yesterday must have touched his heart.
Even in the midst of that, I thought it was really junior-like to have breakfast for me and go out.
But,
If you were truly for me, you should have been by my side when I was in the most pain.
I don’t blame him, it’s just the truth.
I know myself that it is a shameless statement.
“Eww…”
When I fall, my sprained ankle hurts so badly that it goes beyond a tingling sensation.
When I checked, there were big, blue bruises that looked like paint that had been spilled by mistake.
Did you hurt your bones It was such an injury that I couldn’t walk properly.
In this state, no matter how much I love to eat, there’s no way I’d have any appetite, so I came out to the living room with the slightest hope that my juniors might have overslept, but I gave up my mind and went back into my room.
I locked the door, lay on the bed, stared at the ceiling and thought blankly.
Ah.
I want to disappear.
