Chapter 20 – I Feel Bad
“…”
Today I was in a very bad condition.
It was one of those days when I was annoyed even when I was still, the academy’s clothes made of such good fabric were annoying for no reason, and even sitting still and listening to lectures felt like a very hard job.
I don’t get so nervous when I’m on my period…
I trembled at this unpleasant symptom that I felt for the first time in a while.
You may have inferred it from the word “I feel it for the first time in a while.”
I already knew why.
Of course, it might be because I drank too much yesterday… It was a completely different kind of hangover.
Rather than making trouble with the stomach twisting around after regurgitating all night,
There was something else that made me feel bad.
“Pleasant medicine…”
I muttered that without even realizing it.
When was the last time you got hit?
As I slowly searched my memory, I realized that it was before I even met my juniors.
It’s not that dangerous, but it’s the right drug, so it’s a little, very slightly dependent drug.
How many weeks has this been? It’s safe to say that it almost broke a new record.
What’s even more surprising is that I didn’t get these results because I was trying to hold back, it was that I didn’t even think about it.
Why Why…
“…”
But that was just there.
The moment I recognized it once, the feeling of the medicine flowing through my veins couldn’t get out of my head.
That tingling, twinkling, floating, feeling that you can do anything covers your whole body. A violent pleasure that can’t be found anywhere other than medicine remained in a corner of my soul like an afterimage and was pulling me in.
I don’t know if it’s because of that, but it’s been difficult for me to make normal judgments right now.
I don’t know what’s right or wrong, my thoughts are intermittently interrupted and then stick to me on their own, I have these thoughts and suddenly I have other thoughts…
If someone opens my head and reads my thoughts,
I’d be very confused about what the heck this is all about.
Continuing thoughts randomly, as they come to mind, as the stream of consciousness, without being inconsistent
That’s not normal.
I know.
But even though my head said no, my body wanted it.
Ah.
I want to feel better…
For me, this is a bit embarrassing, but, yeah, I’m a person with no sense of responsibility at all, I’m weak in desire, and I’m the kind of person who has to do what I want to do right away, so I’ve been looking for medicine no matter what I’ve done in my life.
If it’s to get medicine, he won’t hesitate to do bad things,
I was the one who went through quite a few dangerous things.
If my juniors knew the truth about me, what would they think of me?
“…”
What.
Why did you suddenly think of your junior?
I am a person who has nothing to do with drugs.
Anyway, I’m still a person who can’t be looked after, so taking medicine won’t change anything.
For some reason, I was looking at my juniors now.
With eyes that evoke the illusion that lava is falling, as the junior was next to him, as he once did,
Don’t Saying it sternly, I threw the medicine away at once,
What are you While I was doing it, I felt like I was going to get so absorbed in hating him to death that I wouldn’t even bother with the medicine.
But,
No.
I giggled cynically.
If you’re so good, if I’m so concerned, as I was this morning,
Why don’t you show up here now, huh?
If so, I would have given up on bothering you, even if I had to crush and stain the last remaining root of my pride myself.
If that’s not possible, then the fault lies with the juniors.
While imagining the impossible, I cursed my junior in my heart.
I kept blaming my juniors for being stupid and moved on.
With a blank mind, I keep imagining a junior who is not here, and I am dominated by an empty feeling, and I do not want to…
One funny thing is,
Even though I’m so lost in my own world,
It was in the fact that I was only going out to deserted places in case anyone would see me like this.
Even in such an anxious state,
Not moving in a straight line toward the goal,
The personality itself that wanders round and round and eventually misses an opportunity,
I felt like it was really gloomy, and I started to mock myself.
Cold.
I’m blue.
Ah.
I want to see my junior.
No, I didn’t really want to see my juniors.
I just miss the human body temperature.
An opponent big enough and warm enough to hold me like it would eat me, make my arms and legs unable to move, crush me with force when I resist, and pour out my hot body heat while my whole body is bound like that.
Eh, right now, all I really can think of is juniors.
Then I would have hugged a junior I hated to the point of death like this, and gave everything I had while lying on my stomach, saying thank you for sharing your body temperature.
I thought juniors were people with really bad timing.
Or, if that’s not the case, it might be that the juniors already know all of my inner thoughts, and they’ve already kept in mind what I’m thinking, but they don’t need anything I have, so they’re neglecting me.
It’s just a wild imagination, but just thinking about it made me feel very sad, and in fact, it felt good to be sad, so I kept imagining myself being unhappy.
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you master…
“…”
I’ve been twisting my body all over the place.
Like someone facing a cold in the middle of nowhere, I grabbed the hem of my skirt and rubbed my thighs, which had grown plump from eating well, to somehow heat up.
The air is cold.
I won’t hug you, so you have to do something nice.
If you don’t become happy right away, it’s really dangerous…
The medicine I was looking for was quite rare for a commoner like me.
Very little, that is, depending on the place of use, it is an item that may be in violation of the law… There were definitely times when I couldn’t save even if I put a lot of money on it.
At that time, I always ended up in extreme depression.
However, it’s not like I’m going through it for a day or two, and it’s not always possible to get medicine every time this happens,
I had a few emergency manuals in case of this.
Strangling oneself, punching the stomach with fists, squeezing useless nipples, and so on.
Otherwise,
Cry until exhausted, dehydrated, or do bad things until derailed…
Doing those things makes me feel better.
Other than that, there were ways to harass the wrists or inner thighs with a thin knife, but these days I haven’t used such ignorant methods.
I’m noticing it, so I don’t want to be looked upon with disgust when I’m found out…
“…”
Anyway, anyway,
All the emergency manuals I came up with were made up of only things that I couldn’t use outside.
I had no choice but to follow the route I set out at the beginning,
I had no choice but to go to the medicine.
Ah. Arrived.
As soon as the person with the medicine saw me, he frowned.
“It’s been a long time since I came, so why didn’t you come?”
“Professor Diaren. It’s been a while.”
“Since I couldn’t see the barrel, I thought something very big had happened. Miss Eve. It would have been better if it hadn’t come forever.”
“You still feel cold.”
“You are still brazen.”
“Pu-hu-hu…”
“Why are you laughing all of a sudden?”
“Nothing.”
If you, Ms. Eve, said that you laughed because you sounded like Professor Alchemy, Professor Diaren, who deals with magic, would be shocked at once.
Because you’re really horribly out of touch with each other.
Academy professors, the elite of elites, had personal grudges against each other,
On the continent at this point in this world, this age,
Maybe it’s because the relationship between the alchemist and the wizard is itself an enmity.
In that sense, Professor Diaren really hated me.
I was also an alchemist, and I had some accidents.
Rather than hating it… How can I explain this? Reluctant? Are you embarrassed?
I don’t know, but anyway, I’m being treated like that.
You may wonder why you came to this person, but
The only place to get medicine is here.
I have a reputation that getting grades like that is as difficult as getting the stars in the sky.
I met one of the ‘three strict professors’.
Ah. And, and the words.
This person, I thought to myself earlier,
One of the emergency manuals I had, who became very sensitive because I couldn’t find medicine,
I was also a victim of ‘doing bad things until I derailed’.
The professor said that trouble had come and wrapped his head around him.
I just smiled brightly because such a professor was fun, and my body itchy because I couldn’t take the medicine.
