Chapter 81 – 81. Unspeakable Words
Alcohol is a very good drink.
When I drink it, it makes me say things I can’t say,
Even if you reveal a side of yourself that you don’t want to be found out, you can blame it on alcohol.
The motivation was as if nothing had happened, and after buying various things at the convenience store, he didn’t even open his mouth about what happened earlier.
I didn’t notice that Kyeol-ryeol was crying, probably because my sister was drunk.
My heart felt a little more at ease when I saw my younger brother spitting out words he couldn’t understand.
No matter what,
Because I was sure that our feelings for each other wouldn’t collapse.
Shortly after returning, the drinking party was over, and the two of them decided to go back to their respective homes.
The brother-in-law helped her drunk sister and took her to her house.
I went back to our house, supporting her stumbling brother.
Actually, I didn’t look that drunk, but her brother pretended to be drunk and clung to me.
⋯Don’t go home.
Whether it’s just a hotel or a motel, a jjimjilbang is good, so why don’t we go somewhere and just sleep together hugging each other?
I came close to my house and started to think seriously, but
Her brother choked me from behind, and her thoughts flew out of my head.
“What’s the matter. My throat hurts.”
“⋯Pick it up.”
“Are you home?”
“Because I want to pretend to be drunk and go to sleep right away. Get on your back and lay me down to my room, oppa.”
“⋯Yes.”
Words I said while drunk.
Or words that were uttered through borrowing alcohol.
Either way, words cannot be picked up again.
I can understand the feeling of wanting to fall asleep like this.
Even if it’s someone who has nothing to do with my life whether they get caught or not,
I heard something I shouldn’t have heard.
You may come across it again in the future.
It could be a friend
It could be a cousin, an older brother, or an aunt,
Someday,
Mum might catch you.
“Go in and go to sleep. Understand?”
“Yes.”
“If you can’t sleep, call me. ⋯Let’s sleep while on the phone.”
“Okay, I’ll call you.”
I lean down and put my younger brother on my back.
Isn’t it the first time? What winter brings
At least not in my recollection.
Supporting my thighs with both hands, I trudge home.
⋯If you go in, mom will be there.
I’ll put it down quickly and I’ll go to sleep right after I wash myself.
It’s a bit early, but
It’s not a day I want to think about.
I unlocked the door and opened the front door.
The living room light was on.
Mom came out to the front door and greeted us.
You must have been watching the drama as usual until then.
It is an ordinary daily life, nothing different.
But my heart, which had been at ease a little while ago,
As soon as I saw my mother’s brightly welcoming face, I felt very heavy.
“Hey, are my babies here? ⋯What is it? Is it winter?”
“You said you were going to eat meat with your sister. I drank too, and the baby stumbled, so I brought him back.”
“Ugh, how much did you drink? Lay down in the room and come. It’s completely stretched out.”
“Yep.”
Takes off her shoes and steps into the living room.
Perceiving that her mother is following her, she goes into her brother’s room.
I lay the winter that was carried on my back on the bed.
Close your eyes tightly and breathe slowly and at a steady rate.
⋯ Pretending to sleep again.
As it is, I quietly leave the room with my mother.
“Eh, well, I drank enough to stretch my alcohol because something was so difficult…”
“No, it’s not like that… Didn’t you just drink because you were eating with your sister?”
“⋯Then you are my brother, you should have dried up!”
“Ah! Why, why are you doing this to me…”
Her mother let out a deep sigh with her worried expression on her face,
As soon as she heard my lie, her face froze and she slapped me on the back with a clatter.
⋯ It hurts so much.
I’m sick but I’m not sick
Even if I talk a little nonsense when I’m drunk,
Maybe because mom is sick more.
“Have you eaten delicious meat?”
“Yes. Well, pork belly is delicious. The ribs are also worth eating.”
“I was going to cook pork belly sometime soon, but I have to get rid of it. Unbeknownst to Mom, you and yourselves eat alone.”
“Ah, that’s not it. She ate with her sister too, so I should have one with my mom too.”
⋯I want to talk.
I want to get rid of everything and be comfortable.
I want to be understood.
Still, your mother is on your side.
I want to hear that one word.
“Anyway, I’m good at talking. Haven’t you been drinking? Just by looking at his mouth, he seems fine.”
“Someone’s son is going to stretch out just because he drank a few glasses of soju. If you don’t pour and drink like him, you won’t.”
“Your younger brother was pouring, drinking, and drinking, but the boy named Oppa was watching it?”
“No, my sister is following me, so what should I do?”
I hate to say it.
I want to hide for the rest of my life.
I don’t know if anyone else
As much as my mother.
Never say
“Anyway. Okay. Wash up and go to sleep. Even if tomorrow is the weekend.”
“Yes.”
“Aren’t you hungry?”
“I think my stomach will burst.”
“Anyway, you did a good job with your part-time job. I won’t wake you tomorrow, so get a good night’s sleep.”
“⋯Yep.”
“Mom has an appointment for lunch tomorrow, so if you wake up and mom isn’t there, the two of you warm up the soup and eat. I’ll cook the North Korean soup.”
“All right. When are you coming back?”
“I will come before dinner. I’ll make you something delicious for dinner.”
“⋯I’ll be looking forward to it.”
I squeezed her neck as hard as I could, grabbed a change of clothes, and headed to the bathroom.
After taking off his clothes, he turned on the warm water and fell to the floor, soaking himself.
⋯ I can’t.
I can tell the South.
If it’s someone who doesn’t have a relationship with me, it doesn’t matter if you get caught or not.
It’s a matter too dangerous to touch, and even if you knew, you wouldn’t even dream of getting involved.
But mom
As for my mother,
I will never say
If you listen, you will surely get hurt.
***
“⋯ Wake up.”
“⋯ Eh.”
“Wake up, brother.”
“Yes.”
I woke up from a long sleep when someone shook my shoulder.
Dream⋯.
I think I had a very bad dream, but I can’t remember.
When I open my eyes, unlike the dream, I see my brother in good shape.
Not much has changed.
Well… It’s because someone else caught it.
Rather than being caught, we just said it out loud.
“You need to eat, brother.”
“Oh, I need to eat.”
“Since Mom has left, let’s eat together, oppa.”
“Ah, yes. You said you had an appointment.”
“Oh, did you hear it too?”
“Uh. I heard yesterday.”
Did you leave already?
⋯How long do you sleep?
I think I fell asleep before 10 o’clock yesterday.
I must have slept for over 12 hours.
“Since everything is set, just wash your face and come.”
“⋯Uh, yes.”
Rubbing my messy eyes, I went to the bathroom and removed only the eye mucus.
I wiped off the water and headed to the table where my brother and I were sitting.
Rice with warm North Korean soup, kimchi, seaweed, fried egg and pickled plums.
Sit side by side next to your brother, grab a spoon from the table and start eating together.
The taste of breakfast prepared by my brother.
⋯It was just an ordinary breakfast.
It’s the kimchi I always eat, the seaweed I always eat, and the soup I always eat.
Pickled plums were originally in the refrigerator.
Still, the fried egg was crispy and delicious.
Seeing that the yolk is moderately soft-boiled, he might be surprisingly talented at cooking.
I think I could eat this every day for breakfast.
I don’t know if it’s possible.
“When did you wake up?”
“About an hour ago. When I woke up, my mom told me to leave, wash, cook… You woke me up.”
“Didn’t you eat and wash up?”
“I slept without washing yesterday, so it’s a bit… That’s right. I see my brother too.”
“⋯Well, I get it.”
After eating a spoonful of North Korean soup, I feel like I’m gradually coming back to my senses.
To be honest, neither of us drank that much, but because of other things, our heads hurt.
It’s a little bit like a hangover, but it feels like my head is clearing.
“⋯But there is. Why didn’t you answer the phone yesterday, oppa?”
“⋯Did you call?”
“I did. ⋯After 11 o’clock.”
“Oh, sorry… I couldn’t hear you because I was sleeping.”
“Are you tired too?”
“⋯I was a little tired.”
Yesterday was very tired.
Because the emotional ups and downs were too severe.
It’s not strange if you’re tired.
The anxiety that one day I will reach a catastrophe has not been erased from my head.
Still,
Even if there is such a future, I won’t break up with you.
I wanted to eat comfortably.
“⋯Because it’s my fault. Sorry⋯, ah. I didn’t say sorry ⋯Thank you, brother.”
“No, it’s not really your fault.”
“No no. ⋯It’s my fault. Because I was pissed off and did that yesterday. I don’t know if it’s because I was a little jealous… Though I think it’s more because I’m frustrated.”
“If you hadn’t yelled once, I would have done that one day. It might have been better if I was caught yesterday.”
The only thing different from usual is that my mother isn’t at the table.
The content of the conversation is just that no one can hear it.
Calm the mind,
My heart is at ease,
No matter how many times I relive and repeat my promise to never fall,
I couldn’t tell others.
It’s our own problem.
“That might be it, but… I’m a little sorry. To my brother’s comrades.”
“I’m not close with him anyway, don’t you know when you see him? You’re not the kind of person who would gossip about it. ⋯I’ll pretend I don’t know, maybe.”
“Yes.”
An invisible future.
Scary.
Afraid.
All we can do is
There was nothing but holding each other’s hands under the table.
