Chapter 154 – 154. Unlucky Day
After lunch, I watched a movie with Winter.
A story about a protagonist who accidentally kills a person and struggles to hide the crime.
To be honest, I didn’t notice any tricks, visual beauty, or story throughout the whole time.
All I could feel was sympathy.
It’s such a hard thing to do wrong.
Even if you can hide everything and fake it all the way,
Someday I will be unable to bear the guilt and vomit it out.
“We’ll just live together, we…”
If you’re going to throw up anyway,
If one day I had to stick her blade through my mother’s heart,
There was no such thing as a good time.
There will come a day when you just can’t stand it.
Like today
“⋯Son.”
“I will live with you forever. All the way. Like this…”
Maybe you didn’t notice
Strangely, the number of words decreased when the three of us had breakfast.
And then in the evening, you talk about this and that for no reason and pretend you’re okay.
The fact that he often goes out to meet his father these days.
And from that day on, he never came to wake us up.
Time passes, and you don’t say anything as if nothing happened then.
Maybe it’s because you didn’t notice everything.
I wanted to think so.
No, I lived thinking like that.
Because otherwise I couldn’t stand it.
“⋯Do you hate your dad so much?”
“You don’t have to pretend you don’t know, now…”
I knew everything.
Trying to pretend you don’t know.
Maybe you really don’t know.
I wonder if I can think of it that way.
“⋯Son.”
“You noticed, Mom…”
I don’t know what’s on your mind
I wanted to die.
Even if I want to die
As long as there were only two left, everything was fine.
When it’s time to come back, I want to die again.
“Mom. I… Me. Brother⋯.”
“I will live with that winter. All the way. I’ll live with you for the rest of my life family.”
The sticky feeling of guilt that clung to my mouth every time I lied was so disgusting that I wanted to throw it out right away.
But what I haven’t been able to do until now is
Because I didn’t want to see that face.
The face she saw when her grandmother gave her last.
“I told you I wasn’t going to get married anyway. So… Just. ⋯Just. I want to live with winter for the rest of my life.”
“Son…”
“I get along well with him. Not uncomfortable with each other. Comfortable to have After all, he’ll live alone if it’s not me. I’ll just take it with me. Yes? Mom⋯. I-I’ll just live with winter…”
It’s bitter.
Lonely.
It looks like it will collapse any moment.
I didn’t want to see my helpless mother who didn’t even have the strength to get angry again.
“⋯ Are you just living together? Son. Daughter. “
“⋯.”
“Am I doing something wrong, Mom?”
“⋯.”
I didn’t want to say sorry.
I didn’t even want to say sorry.
I know I don’t even have the right to say such a thing.
Because you say it knowingly.
With the thought of hurting you,
I had no choice but to vomit with the feeling of driving a nail into her chest.
“What’s the matter. What the hell are you doing? You raised me to be strong, my mother…”
What were we going to do like this?
If I had known that, I probably would have stopped.
If it was a relationship that started out simply because we were driven mad by desire.
Opportunities to make ends meet with the mistakes I made as a child were overflowing.
Even today,
I was able to quit everything and hit something that hadn’t happened.
“You guys, what are you trying to do? How are you guys trying to live?!”
What I couldn’t do
Because I couldn’t break down the feelings that had grown.
Because the memories I have accumulated are so great.
Stay by my side when it’s hard
It’s getting hard because I want to be by your side.
Even if I know it’s hard, I’ll stand by your side.
Because I can tell you all about it.
Because the only thing we could lean on was each other.
“Tell me, both of you…”
“⋯I want the two of us to live together.”
“Why. Why do you two want to live together? Mom and Dad and the four of us can live together. Uh?”
Pretend you still don’t know
Unwilling to accept
She didn’t have the confidence to tell her mother who shook her head.
To my mother’s heart begging me not to stab her,
She didn’t have the courage to stick her knife in.
“Why are you like this when you know how others will see you, both of you!”
I had no choice but to accept my mother’s tears as she held my shoulders and shook me.
Rebuttal,
Persuasion,
Apology,
Nothing could be done.
“Autumn is your brother. My son is smart and grown up. You grew up fine!”
“⋯Mom.”
“Answer me, autumn. Son. Son…!”
“I like you.”
He heard her brother’s voice.
The hand that was holding her shoulder fell off.
The mother who was sitting next to her
Fell to her floor
Burying her head
While crying out loud
“I never really had a boyfriend.”
Likewise, her sister, who only shed tears for,
Covering her own eyes with her hands.
She began to confess her sins.
“Even my brother didn’t have a girlfriend… All the way since last year, with my brother. With me…”
“⋯Daughter.”
“⋯My brother was always by my side when I was having a hard time. Stroked it so my brother Brother… I like it. Because I like it so much. I wanted to be with you…”
Since when.
How.
Why.
It doesn’t matter.
None of the process matters.
“All along… I liked it all along. I didn’t think that neither I nor my brother would like me. I didn’t even think of that, Mom…”
What mattered was the result.
“But… That’s how it happened, and there’s nothing I can do about it…”
Fell in love.
Brother and sister
“I know we like each other, but we can’t help it…”
They pierced a big hole in their chests and filled them with each other’s warmth.
If you take away the warmth that filled you,
Enough to make my heart stop.
“Can’t I like oppa? If it’s not me or my brother I mean no one likes it…”
Unordered words.
The younger brother’s words, which are just letting out the accumulated emotions,
“Brother, brother likes me too. Love me so much give me a hug give me a good laugh Happy because of me… Because. So…”
“⋯I’m sorry mom.”
She was stopped by her mother’s short words.
She looks at her mother who stops us and says she’s sorry.
We even go to confession,
I couldn’t put it in my mouth anymore.
“My mother… My mother…”
Hurt and
Getting hurt
Crying.
Sobbing.
“Mom shouldn’t have woken up early then…”
Her mother who blames her self.
After the day I was discharged,
Since the day her grandmother died,
She sees her mother shedding tears for the first time.
“Mom…”
I could no longer open my eyes and see.
Full of tears,
I didn’t open my eyes.
“Mom was wrong… Mom, mom should have done better. She did it because her mother was also having a hard time ⋯.”
A mother sobbing and beating her chest.
She said she did something wrong and she saw her sobbing mother,
We couldn’t stop
“Mom…! Mom to your dad… A little bit. She ⋯ for being a little better. She shouldn’t have gotten divorced ⋯.”
Because no words came out of her throat.
Because I couldn’t say anything.
Because it felt like her heart would break.
It’s hard to even breathe,
Because I felt like I was going to stop breathing.
“There’s no such thing as life, kids. There is no such thing…”
How empty the word life is.
How worthless is the feeling of love.
Now, the mother who tried to regain that meaning,
Spitting up her blood, she was denying that value again.
“What the hell are you going to do if you guys go wrong?!”
“We won’t…”
“To my father, to my father, to my mother. She did that to her mom ⋯!”
Forever,
Her mother’s pain she had never heard of,
Because we dug it up.
“Even though I promised to stay by her side until her black hair grew green ⋯. I didn’t…”
“⋯Mom.”
“Nugh, her grandma and her grandpa told me not to get married. Fooled by it Mom, did something bad to you!”
She opens her wound, which took a while to heal, and her blood pours out.
The hardened and rotten blood fills the floor,
Wet our palms.
“Mom was wrong. Because mom ⋯, she did mom wrong. Because she’s mom’s fault. I wanted to make sure that you guys wouldn’t hear the sound of a kid without a father!”
A deep wound that will never heal.
Even if it’s a scar, you’ll be glad you lose.
Deep in the chest.
Inside the heart.
“So…You guys don’t make mistakes like mom, please…”
I couldn’t open my eyes to see,
The heavy resistance felt in the palm of her hand pushing the knife,
It was so unpleasant that I never wanted to feel it again.
This is what it feels like to commit a sin.
This is what it feels like to confess your sins.
Why do people sin
Trembling with anxiety,
It seemed like he knew if he was confessing.
“Mom… I’m sorry I raised you without your father… Mama did it wrong… I’m sorry, my kids…”
Think of us more than anyone else,
A mother who wants us to be happy.
We hurt ourselves with our own hands.
While stabbing the blade to cut,
As well as our hands,
Torn to pieces
“Please… Please don’t let these bastards hear the sound of a bastard without a father, please…”
“I’m sorry, Mom…”
“Mom…”
I can’t tell whose cries it is.
You don’t even know whose fault it is.
Until there are no more tears.
Until I vomited all the guilt I had endured for so long.
Falling on the transparent bloody floor,
With a family of three like that,
Cried endlessly.
