Chapter 102 – The Core of the Past (2)
I remember my childhood
I was reconciled.
A brother with a 9-year age difference, a kind father and mother.
I grew up without being poor or lacking.
No, I have memories of growing up.
I was very young so my memory is fuzzy
When I recall my first memories,
I think of the smiling family
It was certain that they were once reconciled.
Of course, limited to parents, rather than memories of harmony
There were overwhelmingly many dark memories.
Well, I don’t have many memories with them.
Even so, the time when I started to be miserable was after I grew up a little more,
Those sad memories were much more vivid than the good ones.
‘Do it yourself.’
I remember my father’s voice.
‘Do it yourself.’
Whatever he said, he answered with it.
In my mother’s words and in the words of my older brother, Stion,
He only responded by telling me to do it.
Remember one day
A harsh sound woke me up at night.
I have vivid memories of being surprised by such sounds as a child.
I was afraid that the monsters my brother had told me about might have come to catch me.
My mother was sound asleep and had been looking for her older brother her.
If it were my brother, he would reassure me that he wasn’t a monster.
But I couldn’t see my brother
The same goes for my father.
Only loud noises could be heard from the living room.
I mustered up the courage.
The fact that the living room was bright would have played a part in being able to gather courage.
Carefully crawling, I put my eyes on the crack in the door and looked at the living room.
My brother and father were screaming and fighting.
My older brother was a teenager at the time.
Seeing the older brother fearlessly attacking adults like the sky, especially his father, I thought he was scary for the first time.
Another thing that surprised me at the time was my father.
‘Do it yourself.’
It was very different from the way he used to say everything.
A voice with vivid emotions.
He was so angry that his face was red and he was driving his brother away.
“…Brother?”
I called my brother to stop them from fighting.
The next moment, my father, who confirmed that I was awake,
He also remembers turning his anger toward you.
I would have heard the fist too.
I didn’t know why my father did it until later,
That image is so deeply embedded in my memory
It has become a memory that can be recalled at any time.
My older brother would have protected me from my angry father even then.
Dad had a blast.
The target was not one or two.
The elder brother was angry with him for leaving his mother behind and playing with another woman.
It is said that only anger came back.
Thinking about it now,
‘Do it yourself.’
His words were words that came out of indifference.
I didn’t mean to give you freedom
It would have meant that he was not interested in it at all, so he would do it on his own.
From the fight between my brother and my father
The father did not even hide his affair his.
Even if my mother knew, I didn’t care
There were many days when he had an affair outside and came back.
Mother couldn’t leave her father.
Because I didn’t have the ability to raise me and my older brother alone,
She had to stick with her father her even if he didn’t want to.
That has been going on for a long time
Everyone was losing respect for their father.
One day, my father came home again angry.
“That whore!!”
I wonder if I was rejected by the other woman I had an affair with,
Or is she cheated or something else
She came into the house with strong emotions.
Everyone didn’t pay attention to him.
So did I.
Since I was 8 or 9 years old
I turned my attention to him.
But I’m tired of being ignored
He grabbed my hair, which was closest to him,
Threw to the ground
And then, my brother exploded.
After kicking the man who was his father,
His face His was beaten so badly that nothing was intact.
At that time, the older brother must have abandoned his father in his heart.
My brother was already famous in the alley.
Sometimes he goes on the road and says, ‘He’s Stion’s little brother, right?’
I’m sure since I’ve seen the hyungs and noonas asking.
So with that older brother, clinging to the hem of a girl’s skirt
My father couldn’t help but be very different.
The mother had stopped her brother without knowing the misery.
I’ve never cried so much in my life.
Was it because it hurt from being grabbed?
Still, it was because I was sad that the person called my father was right,
Was it because he was afraid of his brother?
Maybe it was because I didn’t want to see my mother’s expression like that.
I don’t remember anything after that.
I only know that I cried a lot.
My father left home that day.
My mother became impoverished day by day through him.
My brother’s deviance got worse,
I stayed at home and couldn’t do anything.
As time passed again,
My mother started to annoy me.
Words, then hands, then feet.
How quickly a family is falling apart
I had to see it vividly.
I couldn’t go outside like my brother and avert my eyes.
I was forced to stay at home and endure the wrath of her mother.
‘If only it wasn’t for your father!!’
These were the main words of my mother.
‘Do it yourself.’
Is the father’s word,
‘If only it wasn’t for your father!!’
Is the mother’s words.
Months like that.
My mother came to me dressed in her neat clothes, with her clear face her.
It had been several weeks since my older brother hadn’t come home.
At first I thought he had left.
There was no bruise anywhere on my body.
She said.
Sorry for the time
To be happy
The way she said it so easily
It felt awkward.
My mother is about to leave me
It was so easy to see.
I sympathized with her mother’s actions her.
It’s all because of my father.
All of this happened because of my father who couldn’t love only my mother.
Anger towards mother is also anger,
Resentment towards his father he began to build up from that childhood.
Mother’s last words.
“If you don’t know how to live. Follow my brother He… Lives well alone.”
And she never saw it again.
I’m trying to survive after my mother is gone
I’ve tried stealing and fighting
With a body full of bruises, nothing succeeds
I was just starving at home.
My older brother came home after a few weeks and saw me on the verge of starvation.
I cried a lot.
At that time, he could not do anything without his brother.
After passing that death penalty
I just followed my brother.
Perhaps her mother’s last words in her were stuck in her brain.
Because at that time, I understood my mother.
I do everything my brother does
I had the mindset to do the same.
If he carries a stick
I also heard a club from the side.
If he steals,
I did the same bad thing.
So much time has passed.
I also hit adolescence.
After the incident where I almost starved to death, my brother
Took great care of me
Even so, sometimes I grab my hungry stomach in a place without a roof
There were many times when I had to sleep alone.
Rotten potatoes rolling around, when there’s nothing else
I resented my parents.
Waiting for the sleep that never comes
I cursed at my parents.
There were countless days like this.
Tired of swearing at my father, I turned to my mother.
From then on, when I was young, I was sane
Even my mother who left me became resentful.
I thought I could understand
The older I get, the more I wonder how I was able to abandon myself as a child.
I gradually did not understand.
Rather, it was something I could understand when I was younger.
Now that I think about it, since my mother left her father her,
He never made any effort to raise me.
I don’t think I’ll ever abandon my child.
She had become as resentful as her father her.
Whose problem was it?
The father who cheated on you first?
That’s why my mother abandoned me?
I will never cheat.
I will never abandon my child.
To my child, the feelings I felt
Won’t hand over anything.
I felt like I was left alone in the world.
Trashy parents
Good brother.
And…
And me.
A colorless and odorless Starchis who cannot stand alone.
I tried to imitate my brother
It wasn’t easy.
As time goes by
My brother is doing well and is busy
I was meeting a lot of new people.
Even though there are more
I also started to see them giving up on me.
I couldn’t even hold my brother’s ankles.
I’m trying to distance myself from my brother.
An even stronger loneliness found me.
Hyung blocked me, that feeling I didn’t know well
Came face to face with me
How are you different from your brother?
Even if I try to follow this, am I still lonely?
After all, my older brother loves me only because I am his younger brother.
Who loves me as a person
No one was there
Wanted love
I wanted someone by my side who wanted me.
So he had a lot of trouble with that.
I’m tired of being resentful of my parents
When those countless curses become banal
I’ve been thinking about why I’m alone.
After a while, I came to a conclusion.
Maybe i’m different
I thought it might be because I was hoping for salvation.
My brother is leading.
Even if you throw it on the road, it will survive on its own.
He does not wait for salvation, he saves himself.
That’s why it shines, from the warmth he created
There seemed to be a lot of people who wanted to rest.
So I also tried to stand alone.
Applying for the Kingdom Guard at a young age
For now, I refuse the money and food that my brother gives me.
I took my rice bowl.
I was lonely nonetheless.
How much longer do you have to endure?
Will that fill this empty heart?
I wanted to get a quick answer.
And then.
I met Russ.
Start a gatherer
I met Bien and Lily.
I was hoping that I might be able to connect with one of them.
I hoped that my thirst for loneliness would be quenched.
…That wasn’t it.
Disappointment is as great as expected.
It was my fault for expecting it on my own, but
Their words that drew the line hurt me.
Not one of the three women loved me.
Every time they draw the line
I had to blame myself for my ugliness.
I’m still not loved
A person who is fine as a friend but difficult as a lover.
I couldn’t follow my brother,
I tried to lead a life
I guess even this wasn’t enough.
Loneliness intensifies when they are there.
Than when there is no food in front of your eyes
Just as hunger becomes more unbearable when there is food in front of your eyes,
Even though there are beautiful women called them
It was more difficult because the loneliness was not filled.
Am I that ugly?
I’ve been trying
Am I not able to do this?
Loneliness from childhood
Still haven’t left me
