Chapter 127 – Chapter 127
Looking back, it was always like that.
The place where I wake up is always a dark study.
A knife was clutched in his hand.
My mind was all blank and my body was heavy, so I wanted to close my eyes.
This was especially true when the smell of paper seeping into the nose and the stale smell of a clogged room filled the lungs.
I didn’t know why.
Even if he tried to recall something, a vaguely human figure would come to mind and then disappear, so he couldn’t remember why he was here.
I just vaguely felt that I had something to do, and I remember mechanically putting the blade to my wrist.
At that moment, it felt like my drowsy mind was waking up, so maybe I cut my wrist because I didn’t like that heavy drowsiness.
Poo-wook.
Then, when a blade is stuck in my wrist and the strange joy that makes my whole body vibrate passes, I finally realize that I am alive, so I didn’t even know I cut my wrist that way.
It was just repetition.
When I open my eyes, I swing a knife, and I fall asleep again.
One day, while repeating falling asleep and waking up several times, he met a very large person.
Looking at that person, for some reason, his chest is tight, and it feels like a warm energy is spreading inside. Stop.
-Mom.
I called, and the big man kicked.
It hurts so much and I feel like my insides are twisted, but in the midst of that, I remembered that the warmth that was transmitted whenever my skin touched was very good.
So, after that, she looked for ‘Mom’ every time she woke up, but most of the days she didn’t come out even after calling her for a long time, so she fell asleep again because it was so cramped in this room.
There were days when I woke up with scabs on my wrists, and days when I still had bandages.
There were days when the scabs had fallen off and there were scars.
Then I used to look at the line drawn on my wrist to estimate how many times I had come out.
I was in this library until the number of scars on my wrist exceeded ten.
By the time I passed fifteen, I was in the living room.
By the time I passed 20, my mother didn’t come anymore.
When I realized him, I felt like I was in tears.
After that, I was asleep most of the time.
When I woke up again, my wrists had immaculate flesh on my chest, and the place I woke up was in my room, living room, or sometimes my bedroom.
I thought about why, but I couldn’t come up with a clear answer, so I just wanted to sleep, so I heard the blades.
From then on, I no longer felt like my body was awakened when I slit my wrist.
I couldn’t feel the strange ecstasy that shuddered through my whole body.
I thought about why, but when I think about it, I think it was probably because there was no reason to do this.
Even if I hurt like this, since there is no one to know him, I am now alone, so this action has no meaning.
That’s how I learned to say goodbye.
Then I learned to cry out loud.
I learned the painful feeling of burning my insides and spitting up fragments of words from my mouth.
Now that I think about it, I think I was angry.
So angry that I was left alone, so angry that it would be like this again.
I think that’s why I swung the blade like that.
Time passed just like that.
At some point, the body gradually became thinner and longer. The doorknob, which I always had to reach over my head to reach, was now caught in the middle of the stomach.
It was a little strange, but nothing changed.
Still I was alone here, and all I had to do was pick up the blade.
Little… No, it was a very frustrating feeling.
I was running through a dark cave, but it felt like the direction I was going in was not the exit, but a deeper pit.
It was scary.
I think this is the wrong way, but I was scared because no one told me.
So another day of sharpening continued, and by the time I couldn’t count the number of scars overlapping on top of the chest again, the time I was awake was getting longer before I knew it.
I think someone tried to stop me, but I can’t remember.
Just… I was afraid that they were trying to keep me tied to the spot, so I shook it off and came out.
While running for a while, I met a bee.
Just knew
Was a bee
It was a bee that delivered a hot and large body temperature as if the skin would touch it and as if the inside would swell and explode.
Happy.
I was so happy that I wasn’t alone anymore, so I fought off my drowsiness because I wanted to be with Mr. Bee somehow.
I was completely dazed, but after struggling like that, I remembered how my body had moved for a moment.
Don’t break up this time
With that thought in mind, I tried my best to express how good Bee is.
Bee-sama was an idiot, so I didn’t know much about it, but as she continued to teach me, I began to understand her little by little.
It was such a happy time, but at some point, I felt unbearably drowsy.
I was terrified.
I fell asleep like this and when I woke up, I was afraid of what I would do if the bee was gone.
So, for the first time in my life, I was afraid to fall asleep.
So I tried to stay awake, but in the end I fell asleep.
Then, it was a long time ago when I woke up again, and I remembered how happy I was to see the honey bee in front of me when I opened my eyes.
You are no longer alone.
I was so happy that I complained.
I complained because I wanted to tell him that I was in so much pain, so I wanted to hug him.
Now I know
It was a ‘bad move’.
Mr. Bee taught me that it was a ‘bad act’.
In fact, the fool was me.
Honey Bee knew as much as I didn’t.
Bee knew frogs, fish, and meat.
They taught me to hug each other when I hugged them tightly, and taught me to hold their hands tight so that they wouldn’t fall apart when we went out.
He taught me how to be less sad even if we broke up someday, and today he taught me how to share my sadness.
“… It hurt, but I’m fine now.”
After I finished talking, I looked at the bee-sama, who had a strange expression somewhere.
Mr. Bee was looking at me with his eyebrows raised to the middle, his eyes wide open and a strange face.
“Are you sick bee?”
“… No.”
I tilted my head and looked at the bee.
You look sick, am I lying?
While I was thinking about that, Master Bee spoke again.
“Does not it hurt. I am not sick, and neither are you.”
What followed was the warmth that hugged me tightly.
It was cozy and big, and it was a warmth that always made my heart beat.
I stretched out my arms and embraced Mr. Bee.
Mr. Bee patted my back and spat out words in a small voice.
“… It doesn’t hurt anymore.”
It was a repetition of the same words.
I continued to listen to that, and nodded my head gently in the bee-sama’s arms.
“Yeah, it doesn’t hurt anymore.”
Because the bee is there, I don’t get sick anymore.
The past time, when I was in constant pain, has healed like a scar on my wrist, and now even thinking about that time, I can only feel that ‘it was like that at that time’.
I pushed away the bee that I was holding until the day before, and continued my thoughts while examining the bee’s face carefully.
Perhaps, you will be happy.
It must be happy because it doesn’t hurt at all and it doesn’t feel sad.
Every day is full of things to do, and Bee is always by my side, so I must be happy.
I remembered once again an idea I had once thought of.
‘Eunchae’, whom Bee always thinks of, is the happiest person in the world.
His eyes turned to the bee’s pupils.
I was in those eyes.
I was able to get a belated realization while watching the honey bees filling me up.
“Eunchae is happy now.”
I was silver.
Eun-chae, the happiest person in the world, whom Bee always thinks of, was me.
Upon realizing him, his face began to move wildly.
*
Do-gyun opened his eyes wide and looked at Eun-chae, who was changing her expression little by little.
“Ah…”
A new exclamation came out of my mouth without my knowledge.
Eun-chae was smiling.
It was a pure white smile, truly silver-like, without the slightest embellishment.
It was a smile like a new sprout.
Eun-chae’s hand stroked Do-gyun’s cheek.
“Eunchae is no longer sick. Because Bee is here, I am always happy.”
Do-gyun licked his lips, feeling the warmth of his hand on his cheek.
What should I say? What words should I answer?
After such troubles continued for a long time, Do-kyun, who couldn’t choose his words, tried to convey his sincerity without embellishment, just like Eun-chae did.
His head leaned forward and their foreheads touched.
A smile bloomed on his lips at the emotions that started to rise inside him without knowing why.
Do-gyun held their foreheads together for a while before he could barely utter a word.
“It is pretty.”
A pretty face, or a pretty horse. It wasn’t meant in that way.
Of course, it wasn’t without that meaning, but what Do-gyun said was pretty was Eun-chae’s smile.
It was a smile that was different from any other personality and different from Eun-ah.
Eun-chae had the prettiest smile among all of Eun-ah’s personalities.
“Yes, Eunchae is pretty.”
Do-kyun smiled as he looked at Eun-chae, who made the smile that appeared on his face even thicker at his words.
I thought that maybe I would become like Eunji, but I thought that it would be fun as it is.
In the meantime, Eun-chae, who had dropped her forehead, looked at Do-gyun’s face for a while, then laid down a little silence and put her words on top of it.
“So, Eun-chae is so happy now. Bee-sama still has to take care of the sad Eun-ah.”
Words that follow.
Suddenly, Do-gyun’s body trembled.
My eyes looked at Eunchae without even realizing it.
The pupil, who was starting to get confused, tried to find the meaning of the words.
What does that mean?
Are you saying goodbye?
While my stomach started to tighten at that thought, Eunchae continued.
“Because Eun-ah is still so sad. The bee needs a hug. Eun-chae will sleep for a while until then.”
Wait a minute.
Do-gyun, feeling that the tension he had been locked in until the day before yesterday melted away like snow, let out a laugh at his condition and looked at Eun-chae.
Eunchae was still looking at me with a white smile.
“Bee.”
Do-kyun answered Eun-chae’s eyes at the voice calling him.
“Yes.”
Eun-chae kept her mouth shut for a moment at Do-gyun’s question, then spat out her words.
“Do you want to make a sandwich next?”
Do-kyun felt that Eun-chae’s hand was shaking slightly as she spoke.
It was then that I had a passing thought.
Aside from Eun-chae admitting that she has an alternate personality, she is still afraid of sleeping to Eun-chae.
Even in the midst of that, Do-gyun felt a complicated feeling while watching Eun-chae, who was trying to fall asleep for Eun-ah, and then covered it with his hand and continued.
“Let’s make sandwiches, let’s make hamburgers.”
“Yes?”
“Hamburgers, bread with a lot of meat in it.”
As Do-gyun added an explanation and waited for her answer, Eun-chae opened her mouth in response and nodded her head broadly.
Do-gyun gave Eun-chae a hug and patted her on the back for a moment, not wanting to laugh again.
Having given up courage, those words came out in the proud appearance of finally seeing him straight.
“Thank you for your strength.”
What came back was a small laugh.
