Chapter 251 – Ep.17 – Emotions
I was confident that I would not be shaken.
I also had the determination to persist no matter what the world might tempt me to do.
Rather, I had no doubt that it was a mission and a great cause.
It was the only opportunity to give rest to a world filled with pain and sadness, and it was also anger toward the world that ignores all tragedies, including my father.
… My first impression of you was an imperfect and weak man.
A man who gets caught up in more incidents than his capabilities and always ends up losing money.
When I looked at that confused face, I couldn’t help but laugh. You were that kind of man. A foolish man who comes from a far away world and doesn’t know anything about the world.
I could feel everything when I looked at you.
It wasn’t just the blessing engraved on your wrist, but all your gestures and expressions spoke to me.
Small but clear eyes. As I looked at that black and blue thing, your world came to me too.
Like a small glass bead that is afraid that it might break,
You were shining brightly and dangerously.
Even though I reminded myself several times not to pay attention, when I suddenly came to my senses, I saw you. Even when I turned my head, that jade-like voice lingered in my ears.
I did not know the name of this clumsy emotion. What had already been through my life was persistently piercing somewhere in my heart that I thought was broken.
..? You saw your father’s face and his smile overlap.
Even though it is small and fragile,
A brightly burning light was seen.
The whole universe was gathered around you.
Do you know that it’s starting to fall apart because of you?
He looks so much like his father, even his painful delicacy, that he often wipes away tears.
I hated you for making the days I watched from the side so difficult and serious. Even the hesitation of doubting myself but not being able to push away was painful. I was afraid of you trusting me in the end.
I don’t know what made you so sad, but I wish you would just turn your eyes away and die without knowing anything.
I hated you for giving me space, and I hated you again. Even the sadness in the eyes looking at me made me feel hot.
What do you want me to know? I don’t know the reason or reason, but I’m strangely quick to notice other people’s emotions, and I like to tackle topics that can’t be solved, so I just think like a fool.
Why do you care so much about me?
I couldn’t understand at all.
It’s all useless anyway.
No matter how hard you try, I will destroy the world.
My heart, which had begun to vacillate, reflected on your and my father’s faces alternately every night, constantly asking for reassurance.
Every time that happened, I thought about my cause and the rest for all. I should not be swayed by the love game that came as if it were fate.
Every time I saw my father’s face in a dream, I looked into his squinted eyes and made a promise again. I could never back down. That was my promise, and it was the bare minimum I could do for my father, who died so painfully after devoting his entire life.
When I ended my life with my own two hands, my life and the lives of all of us were already decided. There were no other options, we all had to move towards death.
There was no meaning in this world abandoned by the gods.
Change was needed in this place that had been marked by pain throughout its life, from birth to burial.
As time passed, everything about you began to seep into me. The pain experienced in a far away place, the thoughts held inside, and the emotions that follow.
All of that just gave me confidence.
How many truly happy beings are there in this world?
Is there really a being who can always smile without worrying?
I felt disillusioned with a world that was structurally wrong.
In the end, it was all the same place. Everywhere life had to suffer, and there was no salvation.
And yet you,
Instead of shining alone, it gave its warmth to those around it.
Things that cannot be mixed have become one by your side,
Things that do not change began to change in your arms.
It took a long time to accept all of that. The salvation I had been searching for my whole life was there.
In a corner of your heart that you don’t even know the name of.
————————————-
Opportunity always stayed with me. From the moment I arrived at the Demon Continent, I could make a wish at any time.
In God’s garden, in that small, simple space,
I met God again.
“Hello.”
She was still smiling. A sick smile. You and that little god always smiled at me. I shuddered at the kindness that penetrated her insides and tried to make a wish. I didn’t want to leave any more regrets in this world.
“I’m here. Just like you said, I’m here to end everything. You won’t be able to stop me now. If you thought I would change just like this, you were sorely mistaken. Just with one man?”
He walked quickly as if to shake her off and ran through her forest. I didn’t want to talk to her anymore. I had to finish everything before my forced heart started to fluctuate even more.
“Good job. Let’s go together.”
Your face shimmered. Just as much, my father’s face also shimmered.
As I approached the final stairs, a thousand thoughts and emotions boiled up inside me.
“But that boy’s memories haven’t been properly erased yet.”
“I know, too. The abilities I received from God are not working properly. Yes, I know. You don’t need to tell me again!”
“I’m sorry. It’s an ability he gave me, so it’s difficult for me and my daughters to interfere.”
“That doesn’t change anything. It’s over now.”
No matter how strongly I spoke outwardly, my steps slowly slowed down.
The thoughts that had not yet been sorted out were tangled together and vibrating.
The stronger you become in your decision that everything is final,
Your gentle smile came to mind.
Your beauty that I will never see again,
I remembered your warmth that I will never feel again.
“… Please don’t stop. Please.”
While I was suffering in the midst of guilt toward my father and lingering affection for you,
“…”
My feet eventually stopped moving, and I ended up sitting down in front of an unknown tree.
“… Why did it have to be Delrin?”
“Well. I don’t know. “Because it’s the child that my brother chose.”
“Then why did God choose me?”
“Um-“
For the first time in a long time, tears welled up in my eyes. Faced with such an ugly self, I couldn’t muster the resolve to get up again.
“What on earth do you want from me? “What do you expect from a woman who can’t achieve anything properly?”
I couldn’t choose. No matter how much I cried in the boundary between this world and my dreams, I couldn’t come to a conclusion. I missed my father, and I missed you just as much.
“I just want to see what you do.”
The red god said, wiping away my tears. Those soft fingers caressed her cheek and the area around her eyes as if to comfort her.
“Do whatever you want. “My baby.”
——————————————————————
So I ran away.
I ran far away from the choices that were made upon me, and waited for the death of fate to come find me.
You will come to see me someday.
He will come to me very angry and scream. He will surely punish me for deceiving me so many times and hurting him that much.
Maybe God wanted this ending too.
A fitting end for a filthy heretic.
Since he was an immoral child who put his father through so much trouble and then took his own life, he should die painfully at the hands of the one he loved.
No. Since you’re so stupidly kind, maybe you’ll let me live. You’re still a man like that, right?
A little more clearly.
A vicious bitch like the devil, without blood or tears.
Because it is not difficult to add a few more sins to those already committed.
So I could have waited for you. They had to strangle me with those little hands and put a knife in my heart.
You are more foolish and nicer than I expected,
In the end, I am saved again.
All that’s left is a bitter sense of defeat and guilt, so I don’t end it and keep myself alive.
Still, I have to die.
I no longer offer up the prayers permitted to me, but happily await death.
Just, even in this state,
I still think of my father’s long-lost face and tears well up in my eyes.
“Delin.”
However, if I were to be honest for the last time before I die,
I think the few months I spent with you were the happiest in my life.
“Let’s go.”
They both wake up from a nightmare. Only then was Delrin able to see God next to me, and his youthful face became tearful, and he hugged me as if pitying me.
“Please go. Because it’s not your fault… “
Unlike in the dream, here I am dying.
Since I lost all my blood, my vision is blurred.
I wish you could leave me alone now.
You hug me and cry and say.
“It’s so stupid, even though everyone is so smart and pretty, they always miss something important!”
Only now do I find something in common between God and you.
It reminds me of my father’s smile that I saw a long time ago.
“Helen, just as you don’t blame me, your father never blames you either. What fathers in this world could resent such a pretty daughter? “
Everyone gives me so much love.
I can’t bear it at all.
