Chapter 246 – Ep.17 – Loss (3)
The world is very strange.
Sometimes I burst out laughing when I see it going on.
Ordinary daily life,
And small tragedies lurking in the midst of them.
“Wow.”
A group of girls who appear to be around his daughter’s age pass by and whisper to him. Some children laugh and some children look away as if they have seen something terrible.
Women walking with their young daughters point at men and educate them, saying that such criminals deserve to be punished.
Looking at all those scenes, the man bursts out laughing. Every time he laughs, his mouth and cheeks are filled with fishy blood, but even that pain makes him laugh.
“Pfft… “
Do you laugh because you feel sorry for your situation, or do you laugh because you find it disgusting to see how this world is going?
The man giggles and laughs even though he is tied to a stake and nailed to the ground, and after a while, his tears fall, and he begins to sob.
I miss my daughter.
It breaks her heart to think that such a kind and gentle child would end up like her.
“… Sorry. “I was wrong.”
The man must quickly go see his daughter.
Therefore, from this moment on, I constantly ask for forgiveness, apologize, and gain sympathy.
“I am truly sorry. I will go far away and live and die in atonement. “I’m sorry.”
Everyone crossing the square looks at him as they pass by.
Until the sun that just rose sets again,
The man will have to continue to ask for forgiveness and wait.
However, unlike the formal repentance he utters, anger and resentment boil within him.
——————————————
The woman closes her eyes and waits.
“Today is May 6, the 6th Sunday of Resurrection. We have been buried with Christ in baptism, and we have raised Christ from the dead… “
Mass begins. In the cathedral I visited after a long time, the priest’s soft voice resonates along with a sacred and solemn melody.
Hearing that voice that soothes the mind and body, the elderly and adults adjust their posture and the children who follow them worry about what to do to kill time during the hour-long mass.
From that perspective,
Of all those who visited the cathedral today, the woman seems to have the most serious and special reason.
“In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.”
“Amen.”
“The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God and the communion of the Holy Spirit be with you all.”
“And also with the spirit of the priest.”
Even the ceremony, which started as usual, only made her feel frustrated.
The woman today,
I didn’t come to participate in the pastor’s speech or the mass.
Her gaze does not leave the cross even for a moment.
“… “
Even the moment when everyone bows their heads and follows the pastor’s words,
The woman’s head stands up straight and turns toward the cross enshrined in front of her.
She thinks to herself.
If you are so omnipotent,
And if you love us so much,
Why are you putting me and my son through this ordeal and remaining silent?
——————————————————
Men also think within themselves.
He looks back on his life so far and slowly ponders where he went wrong.
As soon as she saw her daughter’s crime, did she not run away but head to the bishop?
Or, something a little earlier?
Was it because of the blessing engraved on my daughter’s wrist that she was able to come to the capital and live?
Did you spend too much time with your daughter who rarely wanted to leave?
I don’t know. Her head is pounding.
The blood that had leaked out had hardened into a sticky substance, and his face was no longer considered human.
Now most people pass by without even giving him a glance.
It seems as if the man has already been erased from the world.
“… “
Nevertheless, a girl starts walking towards him.
The man raises his head and looks at the girl,
Perhaps because the eyes are full of blood, they look red, as if the girl is also covered in blood.
———————————————————
“Are you okay?”
A boy sitting right next to the woman speaks.
She was a woman who was looking at the cross with hatred, but when the boy spoke to her, she was shocked and withdrew her emotional gaze and started making excuses.
“Hmm, yes… My eyesight is bad, so I can’t see very well. I guess I’m old now too.”
Perhaps she was so absorbed in her situation and emotions that she didn’t even realize that the boy was sitting next to her.
“Well, student, I’m sorry. “Listen to the Mass carefully.”
Even if you are suffering, there is no need to make those around you suffer as well. She adds that even though she is full of anger, she feels sorry for the boy and prepares to leave the church.
She already knows that her god is not responding, so she doesn’t even want to stay here any longer.
She is angry not at these little boyish men, but at the whole world, at all the gods.
If the providence of this world is full of such tragedies, I have no desire to live anymore.
“Elder, it’s okay. “I know how you feel.”
But,
Is it because of the gentle way of speaking of that slender student who appears to be around the same age as my son?
“It’s not easy to live.”
The woman could not leave quietly,
She looks into the boy’s eyes and sits back down.
——————————————————
“Are you okay?”
The girl approaches and places her hand on her cheek.
The man was momentarily entranced by the warm touch, and then quietly whispered to her, fearing that the girl might also be harmed.
“… You shouldn’t talk to people like me. “Let’s go home quickly.”
However, the girl only tilted her head and did not take her hand away. Rather, she takes a few steps closer and says:
“It doesn’t hurt?”
The man doesn’t answer. I can’t share her words with that girl anymore. Unspoiled, kind…
“Everyone is too much.”
Sympathy, or comfort.
As I listen to those words at the end of my life with nowhere to stand, a deep-seated feeling of resentment bursts out.
“It’s okay. Because that’s it… “
“You know. Actually, I still don’t understand.”
The girl comes a little closer.
I don’t know if his head has gone a little crazy, or if he’s hallucinating, but the girl gives off a strange vibe.
It’s like a fleeting existence in a dream…
“Why does everyone live in such suffering?”
——————————————————-
“… Why are students having a hard time?”
“Um, just…” I feel like things are going very differently than I thought. It’s all about the world.”
Even though he seems to be about the same age as my son, there are sad teardrops hanging around his eyes as if all the years have already melted away.
“It could definitely end in a good way, but it ended badly, and everyone got hurt and cried… “
Now the woman’s ears can no longer hear the mass. At this moment, the conversation with the boy is the only thing inside her.
“Isn’t that right?”
“… That’s right. You still look young. What a world… What could be wrong with the student? Adults are bad, and the world is bad.”
The woman cannot hide her tears in front of the young student and begins to weep them out over and over again with her hands. The anger she has been holding in for so long comes out little by little.
“No. Madam, maybe the world people live in is like this. Some people have no choice but to suffer and are left with only regrets, while others live their lives as usual as if nothing has happened… “
The boy’s calm and kind voice sometimes feels as if he is comforting the woman. Perhaps, the boy may be seeing the image of his son who will never return.
“… Still, if you live, you will be happy, right?”
The boy asks.
The woman cannot easily answer that short question.
It was supposed to be a passing conversation with someone she met for the first time today, but for some reason, she sat on her chair and thought for a while longer, organizing her thoughts.
————————————————————
“… “
Even though the man decided not to answer, he slowly mulled over the girl’s question in his mind.
Why is the world full of tragedies? How many people are truly living happily?
Why am I experiencing these things?
Are other people happy?
Are those who tied him to a pillar, spit on him, and threw stones at him really happy? Or will they one day become like us and die cursing the world?
“It’s okay if you don’t answer. “I’ll be there soon anyway.”
The girl moves the hand that was caressing the man’s cheek to his head and quietly strokes it.
The age difference may be significant, but the man receives only warm energy from the caressing touch. It feels as if it is the touch of a mother he has never experienced.
“Do whatever you want.”
This moment is like a dream to the man.
It is clear that too much blood was shed.
As if to prove it to him, the girl closed her eyes and disappeared from sight as soon as she opened them.
Still,
After that small, insignificant, brief illusion,
There was still warmth in his damaged cheeks and head, even if only for a moment.
