How the Tutor Survives 85

Chapter 85 – The End

It’s tough.

It’s too hard.

I don’t think I’ve ever said I’m going to die in college, even when I was up all night doing my thesis.

It’s only now that I feel like I could really die.

She does no fatal harm.

She just watches me who has no choice but to stay still without doing anything.

Even in this situation, when I see her happy, I don’t understand what kind of thoughts she is living.

…I guess it’s time to admit it.

I don’t understand her from her normal point of view.

If I go crazy with her, can I understand her?

I don’t know about that either.

If I go crazy, can I laugh with her and live happily with her?

I couldn’t tell.

The words she said haunt her like ghosts in her head.

Efforts to avoid it somehow disappear in vain.

If you don’t make a choice, there are very bad consequences.

The terrible dichotomy drives people crazy.

The possibility that someone could end up in tragedy, depending on their choice, weighs heavily on their hearts.

Lately she doesn’t do anything.

She does not mingle or converse.

All I do is have a normal conversation as usual.

The problem is that it paradoxically brings about unknown fear.

Maybe she already did something while I was asleep.

That’s why I couldn’t be comfortable.

If I think of the blood that the choice I didn’t make might have already brought.

A voice is heard.

I hear a small but clear voice asking why I keep trying to run away, leaving the easiest way alone.

‘It would be easier if I accepted it.’

I want to hear hallucinations now.

I know instinctively.

That this voice is not someone else’s, but the voice in my heart.

‘What’s taking so long that you’re still stubborn?’

‘How many people in the world do you think can feel that kind of happiness because they only look after you?’

It was another voice inside me, but it was a word that melted her thoughts.

“No…”

A mechanical negation emerges.

I had myself to accept that the method was wrong, but the justification was not.

Accidents are weird

I hate myself for being sympathetic at some point.

However… The thought that it didn’t seem wrong was creeping out.

‘Let’s get comfortable with this steam, I’ve lived a hard life.’

‘If you change your mind just a little bit, will everyone be able to live normally again?’

‘The girls who left you should be able to live a slightly better life…Why do you only think of yourself?’

Ah…

No.

It’s not my fault.

‘It’s so selfish.’

It’s not like this because I want to be like this.

The last word was the sentence.

Don’t look away and look straight ahead.

‘Doesn’t the person who always said he didn’t want to lose have no objection to losing in this situation?’

My hands and feet are shaking.

You hear the words you most didn’t want to hear.

“Haha…”

Not a single word was wrong.

While singing about not wanting to lose, I hated myself for trying to ignore the loss that was right in front of my eyes.

“Town…”

Nausea rises.

Nothing comes out

I knew it instinctively.

What choice should I make?

Just…

That’s it.

Giving up… I think I realized too late that it’s comfortable.

Let it go.

###

Even that day, what Ceria entered her room and saw was Edward Weiss lying down.

It was a scene she had seen dozens of times already, but she could sense that he was different from day to day.

“I’m here.”

Having said that, she sat down in her chair in front of her and began to watch him.

It was an ordinary scene, but there was an unknown sense of incongruity.

She soon found out the true nature of the discomfort.

He was staring blankly at himself, as if he had been liberated somewhere.

It was closer to desperation than liberation.

It was an opinion that had not been verified by her, but she knew it.

Thinking it was odd that she didn’t know if she’d seen him before, she decided to talk to her.

“Are you okay…?”

“Sorry…”

He was just saying sorry over and over again.

Who do you feel sorry for?

Are you saying you’re sorry for saying things that hurt you until now?

Or is he sorry that he has misunderstood so far.

Either way was good.

It seems he’s finally made up his mind.

I felt something strange.

My lower stomach was throbbing for some reason, not on the bad side.

Why are you doing this?

There was an existence that already occupied the bottom, but something felt strange nonetheless.

Yeah, that was exciting.

It was the first time that he, who had always led him, showed such a weak side, so it seemed that the feelings of sympathy and comfort came from the gap.

I want to hug you.

I don’t know why he’s doing that, but I want to soothe him who is trembling with anxiety.

Got close to the body.

He unlocked the lock in his hand. Because it didn’t seem necessary anymore.

There is a clicking sound and the sound of metal hitting the floor.

His hands were free, but he doesn’t seem to want to enjoy them right away.

Grab him by the neck and pull him towards you.

Naturally, his face is buried in her breasts.

A microscopic tremor transmitted through the body.

“Are you okay.”

Stroke the hair

“It’s okay. It’s okay.”

I don’t know how it happened, but it seemed like a pretty big shock.

She was the one who thought it might take a little longer.

For now.

She was the one who decided to enjoy her current situation a little bit.

###

As I held on to her crumbling spirit, I found myself in her arms.

If it was like before, I would have said there was no emotion or to get out of the way, but today I didn’t say anything like that.

Maybe her position in me has risen a bit.

I still haven’t fully accepted it yet, but I still feel like I don’t want to push something away.

It’s okay to curse at him because he has no backbone.

I’ll take it even if you criticize me for forgetting the past.

For a moment.

I wanted to feel this peace, even if only for a moment.

I don’t know.

What do you wish for now?

Perhaps it was stable.

Life, which was never flat, might now be about wanting quiet.

“Seria.”

How long has it been since you called her by name?

I’m sure she hasn’t been called since she’s been here.

“Yes.”

“I’m fine now.”

I move away and see the person in front of me.

I still can’t understand her. There was still blood on her hands.

Because she is the one who holds the power of life and death of the three people.

Open your mouth as carefully as possible.

Now it was time to speak.

It was time to finish.

All these things.

I don’t know what the outcome would be, but it was time to do what I had to do.

“To be honest, I still don’t understand you.”

You will never understand even if you go all your life.

That feeling, that action, probably no one else would understand.

“I think what you did was wrong, to be honest.”

Definitely had to

Her way of thinking was in a state where the usual distinction between good and evil was distorted.

You have to put in as many safeguards as possible to prevent something from happening later.

“It’s already past, but I want you to know later that what you did was wrong.”

“I’m not saying that right now.”

She would do it right away if I did, but this wasn’t a problem that could be solved right away.

Because this was only a temporary stopgap for me to hold the reins.

A certain line had to be crossed.

I don’t think I’ll be rehabilitated right away, but I had to get over it someday.

“If that little time passes…”

I couldn’t finish talking. I couldn’t think of anything else to say.

From now on, that was the point.

“I’ve been thinking a lot. What do you think of me? What do you think of the people around me?”

When talking about the people around her, her expression contorts slightly.

I don’t even want to hear it, but I’m talking about it, so I’m going to go over now.

It was better than when I was engulfed in the darkness of emotions.

“I know you don’t have good feelings.”

“However, I think that if you continue to pay attention and worry about it, it will have a negative impact on the future you wish for us.”

“Now promise me you won’t pose any threat to others.”

“Then… I’ll be by your side for the rest of your life, as you wish.”

It was a promise that might not be kept, but it had to be done.

If someone dies, it would probably be my responsibility now.

“And when all of this is over… Let’s think about marriage.”

The die is cast.

All that remains is to wait for a response to what was thrown.

Could it be that the remnants of love, like the last flame that was almost extinguished, had an effect?

Sometimes I thought that not thinking rationally might be the answer.

I decided not to think about the consequences. Thinking about it, it seemed like there was nothing I could do.

Silence ensued.

The answer was not returned, as if he was deeply troubled.

Her clear boss in this negotiation was her. Even so, what I could try somehow was to use her feelings.

Her mouth was open

I was waiting for the words to come out of her mouth.

The problem was that the answer was never positive.

Something went wrong.