Chapter 60 – 60. Middle 3, Winter
He always smelled of soap.
The easiest sentence to describe my brother was this.
I can’t remember where I saw it.
Because I didn’t know enough to explain other than this.
By the end of middle school,
My brother was not a person of great significance to me.
He’s not particularly nice to me.
Whether it was when we were young or now, there were very few memories we had together.
If you have to ask, it’s so much bigger than me, it’s scary,
A blunt and unsociable man who is always focused on his work.
He’s not bad enough to argue with,
He’s not even friendly enough to fight.
An ambiguous sense of distance, about two steps away from south to south.
A relationship in which most of the conversations are ‘I will be back’ and ‘I have been back’.
Still,
He was mature and neat, so I didn’t hate him.
My perception of my brother was just that.
Since when did such an older brother play a significant role in my life?
I think it was probably the first time a few days ago, the second Thursday of November.
The day when my older brother, who always gave short answers in a low voice, returned home with a distorted face.
To be honest, after hearing the results of the provisional scoring, I thought my brother was overreacting.
I thought I screwed up to the point of being ridiculous.
Isn’t that good enough?
I think I’ll be very happy if I get that kind of grade.
It wasn’t even out of expectation.
I could go to a good university even if I didn’t get to the place I wanted.
But that night.
The first time I heard my brother’s sobbing voice over the wall,
My heart also thumped.
Ah,
My brother is a human too.
He thought he was a person who would not bleed even if he was stabbed with a needle.
He was just a person who was bad at dealing with others.
For the first time in my life, I overheard my older brother’s weak side,
Looked younger than expected.
That’s right, speaking of elders, he’s three years older than me.
The image of me who became a senior in high school three years later and the vaguely imagined me,
I realized that the way I thought of my brother who was just finishing high school was completely different.
Is it because I don’t remember my father?
I was the only family except for my mother.
It seems that I misunderstood my new brother as an adult without even knowing it.
Since that day,
Strangely, my brother became more awkward.
I don’t know what to say.
Should I comfort you?
But I’m not very close with my brother.
Aren’t you just thinking it’s weird?
If I hadn’t noticed he was crying, he probably wouldn’t have thought much of it.
When we eat together,
When you sit far away on the sofa and watch TV together,
The image of my older brother removing his wet hair after washing in the bathroom,
I was just worried.
So I wanted to pretend I wasn’t awkward.
It’s a bit awkward to avoid your brother for no reason, isn’t it?
I’m not a girl who fell in love for the first time.
Of course, even if I like the twisted love that comes out of a novel,
I would never have such feelings for my real brother.
So, after struggling with the brain of a middle school student to solve something awkward, I finally found this.
“That… Brother.”
“Why?”
“⋯Would you like some coffee?”
“⋯Me?”
“Huh.”
“You? ⋯To me?”
“Is it so strange that your brother makes you coffee?”
“No. It’s not like that. I won’t drink it if you ride it.”
“What kind of brother do you like?”
“Black.”
“Uh, yes. Okay. Hang on.”
When I came out of the room and talked to my older brother who was lying on the sofa, he opened his sharp eyes round and round as if he hadn’t thought about it and asked me back.
⋯Did I hate it that much?
No, rather than disliking it, he must have been surprised because he didn’t expect it.
I think I would react like that if my brother suddenly asked me to make him coffee.
“Come on, brother. Coffee.”
“⋯Thank you.”
“⋯.”
I handed my brother a coffee and sat down on the sofa far away.
⋯I don’t know what to say.
I think it was okay to start a conversation.
Hmmm⋯, something you might be interested in⋯.
“⋯Kim Winter.”
“Ah, yes… Why?”
“Where are you going to high school?”
“Me? My brother is going.”
“I’m staying, what are you talking about?”
“Ah, my brother goes to a girls’ high school, too. My mom is going there.”
“Okay?”
“Huh. How are you there?”
“Well… I don’t know about girls’ high schools. I’ve never been to that building before.”
“⋯I see.”
“I know of a good restaurant nearby, so if you’re curious, ask. I’ll let you know.”
“Yes.”
After exchanging short conversations, both quickly sipped coffee.
At most, my brother started the conversation, but I can’t continue it any further.
⋯ Well.
I don’t think I’m doing something I haven’t done.
What does this person like
Not a clue.
***
I’ve never liked anyone.
It doesn’t mean that you like your mother or grandmother,
I have never experienced a feeling of love.
Idols and celebrities that your friends are yelling at,
Or the handsome men you see from time to time.
I have never felt a romantic interest in anyone.
I wondered if I was in love with women.
I’ve never been thrilled to see someone of the same sex, so it wasn’t even that.
Until now, when I celebrated my last birthday in middle school, I had lived my life only perceiving the word love as a setting in a book.
I thought it would change a little when I became a teenager, but it wasn’t at all.
I don’t know if it’s because I went to middle school.
It could have been because I was just too young.
I sometimes imagine
Who is my ideal type?
First of all, I dismiss all the people who only look at me that way.
I know that my appearance is mature and attractive.
I know it seems a little bit unlucky, but it’s not that I’m narcissistic, it’s true.
I can tell just by looking at the eyes around me.
⋯My breasts are also growing unnecessarily fast.
It’s not that I don’t like the way I look,
I want the person I like to love the inside of me as well.
I know it’s a silly idea.
But everyone has at least one romantic imagination, right?
I also really like books, dramas, and movies like that.
If we are going to date, I want to try that kind of love.
And,
⋯ If possible, I want to marry the first person I dated.
You can’t help it.
I like that story more.
I know it’s embarrassing, so I won’t tell anyone.
“⋯Kim Winter. Can I come in?”
“⋯ Huh?”
“Are you going in?”
Last day of the year,
As usual, I was flipping through the bookshelves in bed, when my brother suddenly knocked on my door.
What the hell is going on this evening
Although I’ve been making coffee a lot lately, I haven’t really talked much.
Of course, it is true that the frequency of talking has increased compared to before.
I couldn’t hide my curiosity about what was going on, so I opened the door.
Perhaps he had just returned from his part-time job, his older brother in plain clothes was standing in front of the door with his hands behind his back.
“Why, brother?”
“⋯It’s your birthday today.”
“⋯ Huh?”
⋯How did you know?
Even though I’ve never taken care of it before.
No one took care of me today.
Mom, take care of the lunar birthday,
Friends… Are annoying.
It’s not that I don’t like making friends,
To be honest, she was under a lot of stress throughout middle school.
Why do so many people like to criticize people so much?
When something goes wrong, I pretend to be nice enough that people will take my side,
I wanted to stop getting close to people.
I don’t know if I’ll change my mind again when I go to high school.
“Receive. ⋯Gifts.”
“⋯A gift? Brother? To me?”
“What are you so surprised about?”
“Oh, that… I am very surprised.”
“⋯Take it.”
For a moment, I sold my mind elsewhere and stood still.
My brother took my hand and squeezed the box he was holding.
⋯What are you doing? This person.
Touch someone else’s hand at will.
I gave it to you as a gift, so I’ll take a look.
“Open it.”
“Yeah, ah. What is this?”
“⋯You can tell by looking at the box.”
Rather than that, I never really thought about giving my brother a present.
Because we’re not that close.
I lowered my expectations as much as possible and looked down,
The unwrapped cell phone was in my hand with the box intact.
“⋯What is this?”
“Birthday present.”
“No, brother. ⋯You know. Isn’t this expensive? It’s new.”
“They said it was 1,000,000 won.”
“⋯ Why? To me?”
“⋯Just?”
The hand holding the box trembled.
One hundred ⋯ several hundred thousand won?
I don’t know what kind of part-time job my brother has after finishing the exam,
You have to write down everything you worked on for almost a month.
⋯ To me?
Why?
“⋯That, brother.”
“Receive. I bought it because I worked part-time.”
“Uh… That…”
⋯Really.
This person doesn’t understand at all.
It’s over after a month and a little more coffee.
What was your change of heart?
The one who was pulling his hair for a while after the exam?
I can’t even meet my brother’s eyes.
I thought there might be a strange ulterior motive behind those smiling eyes that didn’t match.
What are you trying to do with your little sister in debt?
“Receive. I’ll buy you something to commemorate your graduation and admission.”
“Can I really take it…?”
“Am I kidding then? Give me your phone before you change your mind. I will change your mind.”
“Oh, no no no. I’ll get it. I’ll take care of it…”
“⋯Happy birthday. Winter Kim.”
“Yes.”
After handing over the gift like that, my brother ran away to his room.
I don’t know when it’s time to celebrate a birthday on the last day of the year.
I don’t even know what day my lunar birthday is.
Her mother needs to take care of it so she knows then.
I opened the package, took out the new phone, and touched it.
I feel weird.
For the first time, I felt that my brother was like my real brother.
Oh, it’s not because I received an expensive present.
⋯I just felt like I received something from my brother for the first time.
Of course, until now or in the future, he’s a real oppa, but…
⋯ Oh, really!
It’s a burden!
It’s just that I’ve had coffee.
A person who usually doesn’t talk well is pretending to be friendly today.
You smile inappropriately.
What else is a cell phone for? Shake off all your salary
I have no idea what you want from me.
Why is he so lacking in sociability, that person?
Is this a little more… That… Getting closer?
⋯ Then, in the sense of reconciliation after fighting over something unappealing?
Shouldn’t it be given in that sense?
He throws it out of nowhere, saying it’s a birthday present…
You’re startled and your heart is pounding.
I would have been less scared if I was shorter.
⋯ Earlier,
It looked a bit fine, though.
