Chapter 151 – 151. Darkness
I can’t lie for the rest of my life.
I don’t even think it’s realistically possible regardless of whether I have confidence or not.
But if it’s about 5 years.
After you finish your studies, you both find decent jobs.
If only I could live in this house where memories are already piled up.
“Let’s live here. Winter Stay on your own while you are in college, and after you graduate…”
“Brother.”
“When I graduate, I will come back here. As it is. All the way. There are also many restaurants near here. Good to live accustomed to All my friends are here too.”
What a great time.
You can often get on a plane and show your face, and whenever you are bored, you can call and talk about trivial matters as usual.
A physical distance across the sea.
Isn’t it more amazing to be caught if you’re that far away?
So even if you don’t speak
“Brother. Calm down.”
I feel the pressure that painfully hugs me as if it’s tightening my heart.
It’s hard to describe exactly what it is, but the emotions that even I couldn’t control were gradually fading away.
“Calm down for a moment, brother.”
When I shut my mouth, this time I feel the skin wrapped around me warmly.
Excitement gradually subsides.
Barely stopped
Thanks to you
“Brother. Look at me.”
Winter stopped me and stretched out his hand over my bedside to turn on the light.
Just the right amount of light, bright but not dazzling.
She stared long into her sister’s pupils reflected in the orange light.
The eyes with highlights are so beautiful, it’s paradoxical, but it puts my mind at ease.
If it wasn’t in my hand, I would have been anxious to have it somehow, but
As long as you hold it in your arms, you think that anything is fine.
“You called me earlier. Mom and Dad are going to immigrate, right?”
“Uh.”
“Do you want to stay here?”
“⋯Uh.”
I hate going abroad.
I like Korea where there are many precious people.
That’s not why.
People you know, people you know. Quite a few here.
Friends, relatives, college classmates and juniors.
Everyone is here, but they are not precious enough to turn the steering wheel at a crossroads in life.
There are only two people who are important to me now.
Sister and mother.
If you choose one of the two,
“Mom will be happy if we are here.”
I can’t choose
No matter who you choose, no one will be happy.
If I hurt you, of course my mother will be hurt too.
If you hurt her mom, it hurts you too.
So choosing is a stupid thing.
“If I live in this house all the time, my mother won’t think it’s strange. It’s okay if I get on a plane whenever I have free time. Because it’s a good place to live. So…”
Why have you been worrying so much?
It’s because you don’t want to hurt me
It’s because you don’t want to get hurt.
Because both are my family.
“⋯You know, brother.”
My family.
Sister by blood.
A lifelong companion with overlapping bodies.
Girl friend.
Lover.
It is impossible, but the person whom I would like to have as a wife.
Winter Kim.
Your hands caress my hair
More affectionate than ever.
While comforting me
“Brother, why do you like me?”
“What?”
“It was enough for me to like you. Why did even my brother like me?”
Water droplets gather in those beautiful eyes.
It doesn’t flow.
It’s just stagnant.
“Are you having a hard time because of me?”
“No, that’s never…”
“You’re doing it because it’s hard, right now.”
I warmed my cold cheek with your hands without even realizing it.
I feel the warmth.
It’s warm, and I don’t want to take it off.
A cozy feeling that makes you want to fall asleep just like this.
“Do you know why… Why did I ask you to tell my brother?”
A voice with too strong emotions to match him.
Crying that is suppressed, but never hidden.
“Even though oppa gets better, it’s always hard like this every day. Because I don’t want to see you suffer.”
In the end, he couldn’t hide it until the end, and he exhaled heavily while hugging his older brother tightly.
“I would go crazy to see you get so anxious because of me…”
An older brother who is anxious about his younger brother.
A younger brother who is anxious to see such an older brother.
“I am very happy to see you happy because of me. Thank you. It’s so good… I can’t see you being broken and having a hard time because of me anymore.”
While crying, he puts his hand on my back and pats me at a steady pace.
Although the beat is often off, it doesn’t change that it’s slightly slower than the heartbeat.
As if telling me to follow this pace, he slowly calms me down.
But,
I couldn’t calm down when I heard your crying voice.
The intense emotions that were about to fade are revived following the sound of your irregular breathing.
“Your brother is so great. Nice He’s a good person. Because of me…”
Keep your mouth shut, and close your eyes.
Lie still and listen to your brother’s heartbeat.
Why did this happen?
Up until now, I was enjoying a happy life.
Eat together
Wash your body together.
Shopping together, exercising together.
Then we go to bed together.
Wake up face to face with each other.
Then, I would have started the day with a smile.
Why did this happen?
They must have been indifferent siblings, but somehow.
“Winter.”
“Yes.”
“Do I look very tired?”
“Yes.”
Because you are the one who knows me best
If you’re so anxious to the point of crying, it probably won’t look very difficult.
It must have been broken or broken somewhere.
Where is my broken
“I feel like my brother is collapsing… If I don’t hold it, I feel like it’ll fall off…”
It wasn’t broken, but it was collapsing at all.
I.
Was it so crowded?
“Winter.”
What if I were you
I was excited all day, joking and joking.
If the winter girl I was living with smiled and blinked her eyes at the phone call she received, she was anxious.
Probably…
“I am scared.”
There would have been no way for me to do anything about it.
If so, you would have already done it.
I would have already done it
At least in our siblings’ heads, there was no right answer.
“So… So scary. Now.”
What is so scary
What’s scary
Would you have done this if you were afraid of being caught?
It’s not scary to get caught.
Talking about it isn’t scary at all.
It’s not scary to be criticized, beaten, or kicked out.
The fact that I like winter, and winter likes me.
It doesn’t matter if you get caught and look at me with strange eyes.
“I want to talk, but I don’t want to.”
Only,
She was just afraid to lie.
It’s scary that her mother will be hurt if she gets caught.
It’s scary to tear down the tower of lies, which has grown several times taller than I knew it.
It is terrifying to see my mother in pain realizing the deceit we have been committing.
Even so, it is scary to see her mother who will continue to suffer and worry because she is a child.
However, if it disappears right in front of my eyes, it is so scary to imagine my mother suffering from the pain of loss again.
What right do we have to make a mother who is barely happy again hurt?
For selfish reasons that only make us comfortable.
“I don’t know the answer, neither do I…”
The dreamlike imagination of being forgiven and understood was thrown away in the evening.
Maybe you’ll be forgiven
May be understood.
Won’t you get hurt though?
You knew you would get hurt, so the refuge you chose was your father.
Even if you were hurt, you tried to pick someone who felt less guilty and pass it on.
“⋯Can we live well if mom emigrates?”
I’ll eat and live. I’ll do anything.
Both of them have gotten used to their housekeeping, so there shouldn’t be any problems.
But can I live with this guilt in my heart for the rest of my life?
I won’t die,
Can I say that I live happily?
“If we follow, will we live well there?”
They are friends who are neither wide nor deep, but they are close friends.
Can brother and sister, who are already shy, leave for a foreign country and build friendships with people who speak different languages?
What will you introduce when you build it?
Can I introduce her as my sister, girlfriend, and wife-like person?
Haha.
A joke too.
“I don’t know anything anymore…”
“⋯I don’t know, brother.”
I really don’t know.
My head hurts terribly.
I don’t know what to do, I don’t even know what the ending will be…
Even in this messy situation, the fact that I’m cuddling with you is so absurd that I can’t break down, so I can’t even laugh at it.
Sleep like this, wake up and greet the morning.
Seeing you face to face makes me feel better.
Have sex while washing together again.
I thought if I shove breakfast into my mouth, I would be fine again.
The guilt, guilt, and nausea that I felt right now.
I feel like everything will disappear
“Let’s talk tomorrow, winter. Sleep and wake up… Let’s talk when you and I calm down.”
“Yes.”
“I’ll put out the fire.”
I push my incomplete youthful feelings into the corner, and push the switch for the sleep light that was turned on for a moment to darken the room.
It’s dark.
I can’t see anything, so I’m rather relieved.
Because it suits us much better not to see an inch ahead.
Even if you do this, you can be happy again tomorrow.
Even if you are happy, you can become unbearably hard in the morning.
One thing’s for sure…
If tomorrow is like this.
I’ll just blow it up.
If you’re happy, you won’t be able to explode again.
So, for tomorrow
I wished myself to be unhappy.
