Chapter 128 – 128. Mother
The sound of a wake-up call that I am tired of because I am not used to it.
I’m not the type of person who sets separate alarms for winter or me, so it’s only natural that they’re the same.
Maybe he didn’t like the sound that disturbed his deep sleep.
⋯I don’t want to wake up.
Even if it’s only until 6 o’clock.
No. 7 o’clock as usual.
8 o’clock is just fine.
Actually, I want to fall asleep together like this until I’m no longer sleepy, whether it’s 10 or 12.
“Eh. Brother…”
“It’s five o’clock.”
“Get up…”
The fact that I always get a lot of childishness when I’m dreaming.
“Go to your room and sleep.”
“Sir…”
The fact that he clings to me and sniffs my body odor when he is fooling around.
“⋯Then let’s sleep one more hour.”
“⋯Good.”
The fact that they smile right away when they feel better is also really cute.
In fact, I noticed a long time ago that I set an alarm for 5 o’clock to do this.
My mom wakes up at 7 o’clock too.
You can sleep for an hour or so.
“Okay… I like you. I love you…”
“⋯Grow up.”
If I say something strange sometimes, I’m ashamed and squirm my whole body,
Whenever an excuse like this arises, it’s so lovely to be ashamed and openly revealing affection.
“Pause my hair, brother.”
“You are a child.”
“Since we’re brother and sister for the rest of our lives, it’s okay.”
“⋯Are you awake?”
“Ugh, sleepy.”
“If you’re sleepy, don’t play around and go to sleep. ⋯I set an alarm for 6 o’clock anyway.”
Again, I covered the blanket up to the top of my head and covered Winter’s view.
In the early morning when the sun does not rise, I cover my eyes with a blanket, so I close my eyes but open them but cannot see ahead.
⋯It’s true that I can’t see it in any other way.
No matter what, I can feel it with my body as much as I am by your side.
Climb gently from the belly with your hand and reach out to the cheek to confirm its position.
Winter really hates morning kisses before brushing his teeth, so he lightly kisses her on the cheek.
“⋯Perversion.”
“I’m going to take the test later. Take a good look.”
“Don’t say anything strange.”
Saying something like that, this time, your saliva comes out on my cheek.
⋯True.
Even last night, I felt like I was going to die from a headache.
That overflowing guilt disappears in a few breaths.
“⋯Good night, brother.”
“Go to sleep.”
I exhaled again and hugged Gye-gyeol, who was being sucked into sleep, and looked back on yesterday.
⋯Wednesday.
After all, Dad won’t have anything to do.
If your children ask to see you, they will come to see you.
Could he really do something?
I had the thought of wanting to make my father an accomplice from the other day.
It’s just… The problem is that I don’t know if making it that way will make things better.
“⋯.”
The blurry-looking winter chair peered into his face, but couldn’t see it well.
Dark.
⋯Let’s go to sleep too.
If it was a problem we could solve by ourselves, we would have solved it a long time ago.
Without relying on someone else
I can’t seem to find a way.
***
“⋯Son.”
⋯.
“⋯Would you like to wake up?”
Is it a dream
Weird.
I hear my mother’s voice
The winter that was in your arms…
“Son.”
“⋯Ah, Mom.”
It’s still there.
He is so soundly asleep that there seems to be no sign of waking up even if he shakes his shoulders.
“That, uh… ⋯Um.”
I quickly pick up my phone and check the time.
5:55.
⋯It wasn’t that I didn’t hear the alarm.
Unexpected things just happened.
“⋯Come out so the winter won’t wake you up. Let’s talk to mom.”
Even though the sun is rising,
It became even darker before my eyes.
***
If I were a proud human being,
I might have been able to confidently say that I was innocent.
It’s not unusual for siblings to sleep together.
If we’re siblings that Mom knows, it wouldn’t be surprising if she slept snugly.
However,
Equanimity⋯,
I can’t keep
“⋯Why are you so hesitant? Son. I’m sleepy?”
“Oh, no. No.”
To clear my mind, I sip cold water from the water purifier.
⋯How.
What to do.
It’s unexpected.
“Sit next to Mom.”
“⋯Yes.”
“⋯Does Winter creep in sometimes when he sleeps?”
“Yes. Sometimes.”
What do you think of this?
What are you accepting?
I saw her son and her daughter cuddling and sleeping together.
All in all, to the one person who doesn’t want to be caught in the whole world…
No no.
Haven’t heard yet
“⋯Does Winter lean on you often?”
“Yes yes?”
Caught?
Since when?
In fact, did Mom have been noticing her for a long time?
Were we careless?
“Your brother relies on you a lot. Because you took care of me when I was in high school.”
“⋯Ah. Yes. Yes.”
⋯ Isn’t that far?
How far.
How far do you know
How did you open my door at this early hour?
“⋯Autumn.”
“Yes.”
“Winter… You didn’t do well on the test, did you?”
“Uh… That’s fine…”
“Are you having a hard time after breaking up with your boyfriend?”
Dangerous, isn’t it suspicious?
No, is it dangerous enough at this level?
⋯ I feel like I am suffocating.
But you shouldn’t show that you are suffocating.
It’s okay to panic.
If you show me how to get caught and stabbed,
Dead and can’t wake up
“It must have been very… Hard…”
“⋯Yes.”
“Sometimes, that…”
“Son.”
“Yes.”
She squeezed hard at my thighs, clenched tightly to the mental cords she barely clung to, and lifted her head to look right into her mother’s face.
A face full of sorrow.
It’s not like you want to be upset.
I’ve seen it a few times already.
The face he made the day before I went to the army or when Winter was shaking after taking a mock exam.
“My son is a good brother. Right?”
“⋯.”
“That’s why Winter will rely on you, follow you well, and ⋯ will like you a lot.”
Caught⋯,
All.
Half if not.
Maybe even more.
“Because you are my brother… Take good care of me and take care of me. She must have been hurt a lot by breaking up with her first boyfriend.”
Not all.
You probably still don’t know the feelings I have for Winter.
I don’t know exactly how Winter feels for me.
Even if you have doubts…, You don’t seem to be convinced that it’s love affair.
Because the direction of seriousness is not that far.
It’s not a scolding or blaming tone.
“Ehh… It’s frustrating.”
“⋯ Yes?”
“At that time, she should have ignored it. ⋯If you knew that Winter would be having such a hard time.”
“⋯ Then?”
“His boyfriend⋯, I’ll let him do it himself.”
The lies she has been telling all this time begin to weave together in her mother’s head.
After graduating from high school, my daughter-in-law wanders around outside whenever she is bored.
She must have had a boyfriend for the first time, she looked at me with a happy gaze, but ⋯.
I couldn’t leave her alone until I knew that she had hidden erotic clothes and birth control pills in her room.
She somehow didn’t scold her with her own hands, but her son recognized her daughter’s boyfriend and made them break up ⋯.
Was this really the right thing to do?
Even if she seems to be doing well, there’s no way she won’t be hurt.
See, my daughter is having a hard time because of me.
Hasn’t it been proven
No matter how hard it is, she clings to her real brother and becomes dependent on her.
⋯ Did I do her mother wrong?
“Mom.”
“Why, son.”
“That’s not it…”
In fact, her mother did nothing wrong,
Instead of protecting her daughter, the son was violating her.
Her brother and sister mumbling in pairs, only looking for ways to trick her mother.
To a mother who blames herself…
I have to tell you the truth.
The sins we have committed…
“Because of Dad…”
⋯I have to tell you.
I have to speak.
I can’t speak.
The truth, which has risen up to the throat, eventually does not pass through the vocal cords and slowly settles down.
I can’t really tell right now.
“⋯Your father?”
“I was worried… A lot. Winter is coming.”
I want to talk, but words don’t come out.
Not embodied in language.
Subjects and predicates are jumbled together, scattered in word units rather than sentences.
Confession is more difficult than any other love confession.
She loves her
She loves me too
Vocabulary is so damaged that it is impossible to convey this simple content.
“Worry?”
“Dad can make her mom happy ⋯.”
“What are you worried about, that?”
“⋯I will.”
I didn’t even have the strength to weave a lie anymore.
All I can do is tell stories that aren’t lies.
⋯I think I’m going to vomit.
I can’t stand it.
“Son.”
“⋯Yes.”
“Mother believes in her son.”
In fact, don’t you know everything?
Could I tell you?
Crying… I wonder if he’s telling me to apologize for being sorry.
Each word is cut into sharp pieces, and my heart gets stuck in it and won’t come out.
“Please take care of me in the winter. He too washes away all the wounds and meets people. ⋯You should go out with another lover.”
The word “Trust me” Is so heavy.
I don’t think I have any doubts, so it’s heavier and more painful.
I feel like I only think that Gye-ri is dependent on me, so the guilt that I shook off earlier sticks to my heart like a magnet again.
Now the magnetism is stronger and it won’t fall off.
Heart beat constantly.
It seems to explode.
The blood doesn’t seem to go through.
“⋯Mom.”
“Why, son.”
“Mom…Mom.”
I couldn’t speak.
Before forming sentences, it was impossible to even choose the right words.
But I couldn’t stand it any longer.
Just before collapsing.
If you can’t express it in words, you can express it in something else.
I just wanted to quit everything.
“Brother…?”
I couldn’t do that because of Winter, who was looking for me just in time to yawn.
More than seeing your expression suddenly darken.
I had to be an older brother for now.
⋯Even if it collapses.
Because the side of you that collapses can rectify it.
