Chapter 99 – Episode 99. In Search of Eternity, Into a Deeper Dream…
I’ve been thinking about it all along.
What is life
What it means to be alive…
It’s something I’ve been thinking about all my life.
Being alive is the process from birth to death.
A process that must see an end because it has begun.
Even a child who came into this world without knowing anything is afraid of the harshness of the world and tries to struggle more desperately.
And, despite such resistance, it predicts the end that will come someday.
It is to feel the life gradually fading away and enter resignation.
My father, Hey, disappeared after walking through such a process in front of me.
Leaving me alone, urging me to have a different encounter with myself.
As if you want to feel the separation that is scheduled to come at the end once again…
“… Really?”
Know.
That the order of the world is originally made that way.
“Did you really want that?”
Everything that exists will one day disappear.
He too knew that he would disappear, but there was no way I wouldn’t know that I, too, would face the end someday.
I just want you to leave with a little more memories before the end comes…
Yes, like myself who improved my life that was dotted with regrets by meeting me.
“No, Dad… Did he just not know?”
It’s just not equal.
That everyone has differences in how they disappear. There is bound to be a difference in the flow of time and gaze at the world between those who live for an instant and those who live for eternity.
“Except me, everyone…”
They just couldn’t teach me because I didn’t know.
“Everything disappears.”
How can he, who has only learned how to live in Chinese poetry, estimate the eons of time he will wait for me in the future?
Of course, this may be considered a blessing to those who miss the end, but to me, at least to me, this could not but be considered a curse.
It was my instinct to watch something, to ruminate on it and to remember it.
Happy memories, intense pleasure,
The pain, the memory of being in pain, and the anticipation that such pain would continue, all, everything. All…
“… Pooh.”
I couldn’t give up on any of them, so how much more pain will I have to go through in my future life?
How many more times will I have to go through that kind of pain in my future life?
Receiving consolation is only for a moment. Looking for more encounters to heal heartburn.
Experiencing more breakups that resulted from that, being pierced with pain, and building those memories…
“Ugh, ahaha…”
Even so, I didn’t want to forget even the memories I had accumulated, so I felt so sad that I couldn’t even dare to give up on my own.
Even though I felt ridiculous in such a miserable situation, I decided to stick to that feeling because I didn’t know what to do.
By not holding back, but by bursting out those emotions to the fullest.
“Ahaha, haha!!!”
Yes indeed…
How miserable is it?
I thought I had finally found that person’s vacancy, but even such an intense first experience ended in such a bleak way.
In a void that is colder than the chill of that day.
Predicting the future in which only I will be left alone, laughing at random and repeating laughter, these ramblings are the words I will greet.
“… Why.”
And it doesn’t end.
No, it will only get worse.
As if responding to emotions rising from within, as if the raindrops pouring down from the sky intensify.
“Why is everyone leaving me?”
It was difficult to endure the cold that resulted from it, so I unconsciously tried to find warmth.
When I didn’t know anything, it was warmer than the warmth emitted by my father who raised me… Embracing someone’s warmth in my heart that I myself have wandered about.
“If you’re going to do this, you shouldn’t have appeared in front of me in the first place.”
The moment I felt it warming up as if it were heating my heart, I grabbed my chest at will to get rid of it.
“You say you’re giving it for me, but if you’re going to make me suffer like this, you shouldn’t have taught me things like love!”
Even though the han that bursts out with him echoes in the space, no one, no one gives me any comfort.
Did you already leave? How can they comfort me when they no longer exist in this world?
Even if you find someone else No matter who I meet, they will all leave in the end and make me feel the same moment as now.
“… No.”
If you haven’t felt this way from the beginning.
I wish I hadn’t known that meeting someone was so intense and that human warmth was so warm.
“Now, I hate being alone…”
But didn’t you already know?
I can’t even get rid of that memory, what should I do in the future. What must be done to be freed from this painful fate.
“Please, teach me, I…”
I couldn’t find the answer in the end, and in the end I just threw a question to the sky. “What am I supposed to do?”
Anyone is good
I want you to escape this hellish fate.
‘Yes hey. You’ve been lonely all along.’
The voice that seemed to be revived at that call gradually began to tickle my ears.
Very soft yet intense…
A voice I can never deny.
‘You were born without knowing anything, knowing the value of meeting without knowing anything, and unable to shake off those memories, you will always wander in search of the sweetness of love.’
He understood and sympathized with my sorrow.
‘You’re destined to forever search for people, never to be sad about parting with them.’
In this cold rain, he was the only one who wanted to embrace me and teach me where to go.
‘At least it would have been nice if you had a companion who would be with you for the rest of your life, but such people wouldn’t exist in this world.
I don’t know what might be at the end, but wouldn’t that be a good thing?
In a situation where no one is left by my side anymore.
Even after spending such a long time, I couldn’t realize anything, so the first person who showed me the way came to me.
“… Then, what should I do?”
I took the voice as an opportunity and asked.
What is the way to be liberated from this bondage of pain that I had no choice but to accept.
‘… Although time may pass, it cannot be reversed.”
The voice that answered the question began to become clearer.
As if guided by that voice, my head naturally began to point downward into the space.
“But it is possible to stay in the past forever. To fall asleep forever.”
A very deep cliff.
The scenery unfolding beneath it looks very familiar to me.
Isn’t it strange?
To think that the image of the hometown that exists in memory is drawn intact in a place where the pitch-black darkness should have spread.
“Sleep…”
“Okay, just go to sleep.”
But even if it was strange, it didn’t matter.
Because everything that existed there was something I missed.
The nostalgia of wanting to go back if I could go back to that time, wanting to feel the happiness of that time once again, is a state that can never be erased in my life.
“So come here, my daughter.”
You can enjoy it again.
By throwing oneself into this abyss from which one can never come up again, holding the hand of a person who can radiate a presence even in such a darkness once again, feeling the warmth…
“I’m going to be with my dad for the rest of my life.”
Even so, if you can live forever while ignoring the flow of time.
“… Huh. Dad.”
Yes, if eternity is based on happiness, there will be no more suffering.
That place was the only way I had to go, all the time I had spent so far was proving it.
“Now, I’ll go there.”
I know that alone is the only way to soothe the emptiness I have.
Feeling that it was the only way to get rid of the pain that would come later, I prepared to step towards it.
Find happiness that never ends.
Toward the darkness from which you will never escape.
***
Even a child who came into this world without knowing anything instinctively feels fear of the harshness of the world.
That’s why I try to struggle even more desperately.
Despite such resistance, it predicts the end that will come someday.
Feeling life gradually fading away, the moment when you feel that even resistance is meaningless any more, and you enter into resignation…
Foreseeing such a miserable moment, those with a limited lifespan try to burn their lives to make the end meaningful.
More splendid, more majestic.
Those who live for eternity also understand the lives of such short-lived species. They too will live the same time as them, and experience the same moment.
Time that is just an eternity to someone is just a moment to them. Because they repeatedly collapsed in such a succession of fleeting moments, they taught their descendants how to shun pleasure and castrate emotions.
Despite her efforts to go against the rules, the only thing waiting for the girl who was separated from the group due to an unfortunate accident is a hopeless reality.
I can’t forget the intensity of those days, so I’m looking for a more intense stimulation. Or for happiness that will last forever.
Falling into a miserable fantasy rather than a cruel reality is bound to be a predetermined ending.
Knowing that, it is the fate of this young girl that she has no choice but to move forward…
“Hey.”
But even knowing that, he appeared here.
To stop the girl from stepping into the last abyss she can’t escape from, breaking through the layers of memories she’s lived through over the course of her entire life.
“… Come here.”
In the cold place he had reached, he held out his hand to her girl and said,
A resolute voice.
But the nostalgic girl remembered it.
Unlike the days when she didn’t know anything, she couldn’t forget the traces of the relationship she found to soothe the emptiness with her own will.
“Place.”
Clearer than the illusions that lure you down there.
Even in this cold space, the only person radiating warmth is beckoning towards him.
“Dave…”
Even though he knows that it is also a temptation.
Even though I know that what awaits at the end is destruction.
At this moment, why did the footsteps stop at the hand that reached out to him?
