Chapter 91 – 91. Remorse
Can’t fall asleep
I’m glad tomorrow is Sunday.
I cover myself with a blanket and block out all light, but I can’t sleep.
It’s not that I don’t understand why my mother is like that.
⋯ I’ll never understand why she did that, but I can roughly understand that she wants to come back.
‘Cause she’s done her thing, now
So I hated it even more.
Until all the children go to college, not even pecking their noses,
I felt disgusted because I was uncomfortable with this situation where I felt like I would become trash if I didn’t accept it.
After thinking over the unbearable discomfort over and over again, I got up from the bed.
Let’s go to the kitchen and put our hand on the doorknob, intending to drink any remaining beer.
“Ah, brother.”
Winter in pajamas opened the door before me.
“⋯Why didn’t you answer the phone?”
“Sorry, ⋯I fell asleep for a while.”
It wasn’t particularly apologetic, but I wasn’t angry.
Because I didn’t have much energy left to be angry about that.
On the contrary, I felt relieved to hear her voice.
⋯You came here because you were frustrated too.
“Go in and wait.”
“Where are you going?”
“I’ll bring you something to drink.”
I let Winter into my room and headed for the refrigerator.
When I looked around, there were only two cans of dark beer my mother bought.
I opened a can of cold beer, poured it into a glass, looked for something to snack on, and stopped.
I went back to my room with beer glasses in each of her hands,
My brother turned on the sleep light and put his nose on my pillow.
“⋯What are you doing?”
“Sniffing my brother.”
I was dumbfounded, so I tousled Winter’s hair once and handed him the glass.
Since it’s alcohol, I drank it without a doubt before I said to drink slowly,
He furrowed his brow and glared at me with fearful eyes.
“⋯What is it, brother? I make my sister drink something like this at dawn.”
“I was going to say it, but you drank it the moment you got it before you could say it.”
“I thought it would be water or coffee, of course. ⋯ Why are you drinking? Did you want to drink?”
“Because I didn’t drink today. I want to drink with you once in a while.”
⋯You have to drink alcohol to get rid of the stuffy mind.
Actually, I was going to drink alone, but I dared to come to my room, so I can drink alone.
I also looked at the frothy glass, toasted the glass of Gyeol-gyeol who had already taken a sip, and drank beer.
It’s quite bitter, but she feels the rich beer aroma, passes it down her throat, and now looks at her sister, who has changed her posture.
“⋯Why do you keep looking at me?”
“Just.”
“Just what? Please explain properly.”
“⋯Just.”
She wasn’t particularly drunk, but her eyes looked prettier than usual.
It’s amazing.
It’s that I feel these feelings for my family.
To be honest, I don’t even have to go to my cousin, and I really don’t feel anything when I just look at my younger siblings.
Even the female classmates were all like that.
All in all, they are pretty good looking people, but
Strangely, she didn’t feel like a cold woman.
“Brother. Oppa, did you hear about mom too?”
While licking each and every one of the features of Winter,
In the end, her brother brought out the cause of the frustration first.
After taking another sip of beer and filling the bitterness in my mouth again,
Her brother and sister started talking about what to do.
“I heard you.”
“⋯How did you answer?”
“What do I do, that. ⋯My mom says she wants to do that.”
The name is really good.
I want to make a father to my children.
It was obvious to anyone that the cause of his disappearance was his father, but
From a mother’s point of view… You can think that it would be better to have a father like that.
Compared to her brother who felt her sister as a woman, it was much more realistic and reasonable.
That’s why neither father nor mother could blame anyone.
In fact, I kept blaming myself in my heart,
I couldn’t spit it out on her mother.
“⋯You know, Dad⋯ didn’t really hate me.”
“⋯What?”
“It’s just… Dad couldn’t come for some reason. Dad also… Would miss us, he said.”
“Can it be? I wish I was that kind of person…”
It can’t be.
At least someone with a sense of responsibility wouldn’t have left us alone until now,
If anyone has a conscience.
“Ah, yes. Brother is right ⋯ If he had been, he wouldn’t have been. To come here and be a father… I wouldn’t have done it.”
I wouldn’t have tried to be a father now.
I don’t know, I don’t know when I saw it, I don’t even know the voice.
Therefore, rather, he was a father who never had any ill feelings.
I won’t be a bad person
There must have been a reason.
There must be a reason why I can’t come back, because I abandoned both of my children and can’t come back.
Even the illusion that Kyeol-gyeol had been harboring was shattered without ever encountering him.
“If I just stayed as a person who didn’t exist…, I wouldn’t have resented it. Why did you come now?”
It would have been much better if he continued to be the imaginary father.
Why.
Are you trying to come back now?
They say that there are no parents who win over their children, but isn’t it possible to change the mother’s mind?
No matter how trash we are,
As long as you don’t get caught, you might be fooling around with your mother once in a while.
“Do you want to stop it, Winter?”
“⋯I want to stop. I thought it would be better for my mom and her dad to remarry.”
“⋯Why?”
I really hate and hate him, but is it because he is my father?
Or is it because she can’t break her mother’s words like I did?
Or.
“I, actually, lied to you.”
“What?”
“My older brother asked me to take my mother and live together as the three of us.”
“⋯.”
“⋯I hate that, actually.”
It may be for very personal reasons.
“I was thinking while I was sleeping. ⋯Maybe I’d rather be fortunate.”
“⋯.”
“I’d rather my mom remarry her dad. ⋯You can live with your brother. ⋯If you say you want to go out and live because you hate Dad.”
A very selfish thought.
I don’t care about my family or anything,
A conclusion that only the two of us thought about.
“Very selfish, am I? My mom wants to make my dad, even though she hates me, she even thinks of remarrying.”
Actually maybe.
“Still, my brother seems to feel very guilty towards Mom. ⋯I felt sorry for my mother, too, so I tried to do that.”
I may have been more selfish
Wanting to go abroad,
To live together,
Because I gave up everything.
Having incest with my brother,
Mad with sexual desire, he pours semen into the inside so many times that it is hard to count,
After betraying her mother, she is more like me who stretched out saying that she would live up to what she was so good at.
“But, mom is a person too. Even if we live together for the rest of our lives, ⋯you will notice someday.”
“⋯If you rather reunite.”
“Because we might not… Mind you.”
I don’t like the three of them either.
Just the two of you.
Your decision to give up a lot because you like me,
It was much more realistic.
After she finished talking, the younger brother emptied all the beer glasses and rinsed his dry mouth once,
I got out of bed, put my glass on the desk, and reached out to me.
I also drank all the remaining beer and handed it to Winter.
The younger brother put the handed glass side by side, put his hand on the front of his pajamas and pondered for a moment.
Without taking it off, he laid me down and climbed on top of me.
“I… Did I feel strange when my brother first touched me? My older brother was groping me, ⋯surprisingly kneading my breasts, and crushing me with a very excited face. ⋯It was very scary.”
“⋯I was scared too. I didn’t know I would.”
It is not an eye-to-eye posture,
Head and chest facing each other.
The orange light flowing softly from the bedside,
I made the image of you unbuttoning the buttons one by one more erotic.
“…But, since I’m being touched by him more and more… I want to be touched… More… And more… And touch my lips…”
Without unbuttoning all the buttons
After untying half of it to make it look loose,
My brother used my hand as a tool to stroke his lips.
“I was curious about how the most important part of the chest would feel when touched.”
Then slowly down along the chin.
This time between the breastbones,
I went down a little further and undid all the remaining buttons that were getting in the way.
“⋯I was crushed to the point of being suffocated by my older brother, so I wondered why it wouldn’t make me feel bad…”
With your nose between your breasts,
Suddenly, both hands are coveting the pink flesh of the white fruit.
“Come to know, I actually really liked that kind of thing. Kissing him when he comes home, hugging him and sleeping with him when he sleeps. It’s good to wash together. I also really like the fact that I don’t care and love⋯ with my brother.”
“⋯ Me too. Maybe it’s because we’re siblings, so we’re similar.”
A sister who seduces her brother with everything she learned from her real brother.
“My brother drank me. ⋯Two drinks.”
“⋯Two drinks?”
“I was frustrated too, so I drank without my mother’s knowledge, and [Brother] Entered the wrong room. I get drunk after two drinks…”
It was an excuse full of lies,
“Because I was drunk, I stretched out here. Understand?”
“⋯Uh.”
“My brother couldn’t kick her out because he felt sorry for her sister.”
“⋯It’s a bit annoying, but I’ll take a look.”
“Yeah, and… I’m drunk, so I’ll have one last drink, oppa?”
As for the last word,
It was the truth without a single lie.
“I’m going to go to bed because I don’t like my father. That I’m not going back ⋯Tell me a lie that Winter would rather take me out and live.”
“⋯.”
“Let’s live together, brother.”
Who has ruined you so much?
There was nothing to say.
Who should be held responsible,
It should be normal to be frightened, but even those who laugh strangely,
They were all your older brothers.
