Chapter 84 – 84. New Year’s Day
It was quite chilly inside the house, perhaps because the boiler had been turned off.
I put the porridge I had bought on the table, turned on the heating, and turned on the light in the living room.
Seeing the familiar arrangement of the furniture calmed me down a bit, but the headache didn’t go away.
When she sits down at the kitchen table to have dinner with her brother,
When washing the body with warm water after finishing a meal,
Even though I went into the electric blanket in the living room and closed my eyes,
The vague anxiety showed no sign of disappearing.
While soaking the pillow with wet hair while listening to the sound of the TV,
His brother crawled under the blanket that was covering him.
⋯Ah, if you think about it, it would have been okay to wash together today.
Because mom isn’t there anyway.
For today, we can sleep together in the living room.
I took a deep breath as I hugged her sister who was squirming into my arms.
Unlike me, her hair was meticulously curled, so it was soft and warm.
“⋯Brother, it’s frustrating.”
“Huh.”
“Because it’s frustrating…”
“Yes.”
As long as you smell this smell, your sense of reality fades.
You don’t have to think about anything,
Because she doesn’t have to worry about anything ⋯.
Ignoring her brother’s words, he hugged her tighter and covered her with the blanket.
Her younger brother, who had been a little rebellious, soon became quiet ⋯.
“Because it’s frustrating!”
“⋯It hurts, winter.”
“⋯You said it was frustrating.”
I sincerely pinched my side without getting bored and opened my closed eyelids.
I was really sick
Even when I thought about it, the reaction was so flat that it was surprisingly pinched.
⋯You went completely delicious, me.
“Let’s sleep in the bed… Brother.”
“⋯It’s annoying.”
I didn’t want to pinch her further so I loosened her arms a little bit, but her brother didn’t come out of my arms and kept trying to convince me.
What should her brother say to make me feel better?
⋯If it were the other way around, could I have comforted you?
No matter how high the wall you have to overcome is, if there is an end and you can go back at least, it wouldn’t be this hard.
Right now, it seemed like we were trapped in a basement where everything was clogged up.
To return,
Getting out,
It was impossible to even get sunlight through the windows.
“⋯Brother. Are you really going to sleep like this?”
“⋯I don’t know.”
“Let’s go to my room, brother. Let’s sleep there Your back will hurt if you sleep here.”
“⋯Yes.”
It was hard for me to keep ignoring my sister who was trying to please me somehow, so I wiggled out of the blanket.
She went into her brother’s room and collapsed on the bed.
Sexual desire or what, I have no idea.
I couldn’t even feel the shape of the answer to the question of how to be happy.
The option of giving up on your brother? There is no such thing.
The option to give up everything else? He doesn’t seem to be happy either.
Of course, I would be happier than giving up on Winter.
It’s painful to see the pain you have to go through.
Heavy.
⋯It’s really heavy.
“⋯Winter, it’s heavy.”
“I was also frustrated earlier.”
My younger brother climbed onto my back, squeezing me with his weight to prevent him from escaping.
⋯Is it because I did some exercise?
In that moment, it seems that the muscles have gotten a little heavier.
Last year was a complete mess.
“Brother, are you having a hard time?”
“⋯It’s hard.”
“Because of me?”
“That’s not right.”
Seeing as he was throwing a tuk-tuk answer without resisting,
This time, her brother fell face down on me, clung to me, and blew into my ear.
“⋯It’s tickling, winter.”
“I’m telling you to tickle me.”
“Winter, I’m sorry…”
“Don’t be sorry, brother.”
“⋯.”
It was said on that day, when the memory was still clear, so I couldn’t continue.
⋯It’s really commendable and I’m grateful that you’re trying to lighten my mood somehow,
I don’t think it’s going to be all right today.
I’d rather sleep and wake up…
“Brother. ⋯Are you going to stay that low?”
“You’ll be fine when you wake up.”
“⋯Is no one at home?”
“Well, it’s not just me today…”
“Haa… I can’t help it, really…”
My brother let out a deep sigh as if frustrated, and fell away from me.
He turned me over to face the ceiling and climbed on top of me again.
Turn on the sleeping light by her bedside,
Put your hands beside my head to support my body,
Contrary to what I normally do,
He looked down at me gently and kissed me lightly.
“⋯Are you okay?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t look all right, brother.”
“⋯Kissing is a bit boring.”
“Looks like you’ve loosened up a little, seeing as you’re joking.”
I was grateful and proud that he cared about me this far, so I laughed a little without realizing it.
⋯I like it.
Winter is good
I like you who still thinks of me even though I saw a broken image to the point of falling apart.
So it makes me even more uncomfortable.
I feel like I won’t be able to create a happy future.
“⋯Brother, I have something I want to say, can you listen?”
“Did I never listen to you?”
“⋯Listen. Like this.”
My younger brother whispered in my ear and asked me to listen to him.
Biting my ear lobe slightly painfully awakened my spirit.
And to cheer me up when I’m tired,
He began to comfort me with a slightly calmer voice than usual.
“We’re going to live together. All the way in the future as siblings. ⋯As loving siblings.”
“⋯Uh.”
“I think there are probably few people who will understand. Me too…”
“⋯I guess so.”
There won’t be
There is probably no one who will seriously discuss love and support siblings who have crossed the line they should not have crossed.
Even I would have
Unless you’re the person involved, you won’t understand.
“I like you.”
“⋯Me too.”
“I don’t want anyone else to understand this.”
“⋯You don’t have to be understood. Still, I can’t ignore the gaze. ⋯There are people who are not others.”
I don’t want this relationship to be understood.
⋯ Actually, it is false.
Of course I want to be understood.
It’s impossible, so I just think it’s better to ignore it.
It also wants to be ignored by strangers.
As much as your precious people.
I also wanted to be understood.
“⋯Yes, you can’t just live with your brother for the rest of your life.”
I have to go to school, I have to earn money,
In order to live, you can’t stop caring about other people’s eyes.
The deeper the relationship, the stronger the suspicious look,
Gaze of hatred.
You probably can’t avoid it.
“So… You may not understand. ⋯I think it’s okay to be recognized. To others.”
“⋯How?”
I don’t understand, can I be recognized?
Who can admit the word incest?
It can’t be said.
There’s no way that’s possible.
“Do any of your friends have younger sisters?”
“⋯I don’t know.”
“Anyway, assuming there is. Imagine that among your friends, there is a friend who is seriously dating a younger sister.”
“⋯Uh.”
“Assuming that person just lent you a few hundred million to your brother… How can you say that you are incestuous with your friend?”
“⋯What are you talking about?”
⋯ I was wondering what you were going to say all of a sudden.
What nonsense is that
I won’t be in debt to my friend,
Even if there were siblings, they wouldn’t cross the line like we did.
“Answer me at once. ⋯Don’t you think you can say something?”
“⋯I guess I shouldn’t be able to.”
⋯ I shouldn’t have been able to do it.
But isn’t that friendship as a friend, but a relationship between debtor and creditor?
“…If I owe others so much that I can’t even say anything when I see our relationship… I think they’ll be acknowledged even if they don’t understand, or they’ll pretend they don’t know…”
⋯How much debt do we have to create before others acknowledge us?
1 million?
10 billion?
⋯ Something other than money?
If you are on the side of others when they are having a hard time,
When I’m having a hard time, will you be able to hear the words “Cheer up”?
“Brother… I don’t know how. I… Actually got caught to some extent, my friends.”
“⋯Ah, it was.”
“Of course, I don’t know if I’m really doing this with my older brother… But he did comfort me even though he said that he likes his older brother.”
With a crush on my older brother,
Crossing the line with your older brother might be a huge difference, but
⋯If caught,
If you have seen your friend suffer and suffer so much.
If you know that your friend is really nice and takes care of others,
I might be able to stop showing only the gaze of hatred…
I don’t know.
“⋯And, don’t people care less about others than you think? They might not care too much about us. .
“⋯Uh.”
“If we make a lot of people who will listen to us… Ah. Of course, both of them are shy, so you have to put in a lot of effort. ⋯I think you might not just look at me strangely.
I don’t know which one would be easier.
Would it be easy to erase the debt from people’s hearts enough to acknowledge our relationship?
⋯ Or is it easy to make such people with money because they are financially successful.
In fact, I think it’s absurd sophistry, but
Still, it seemed like light was seeping in through a crack in the basement that was invisible.
“⋯So, let’s live happily, oppa.”
“⋯.”
“I have never regretted falling for you.”
“Neither do I.”
“Even if it didn’t work out like this with my brother, I think there would have been a lot of hardships… And fewer good things.”
Even though we struggle with each other,
Because that’s the only reason I can’t go back.
Because I knew that this road was the happiest road.
Although the other way is less difficult,
Because being together is the happiest.
Can’t give up
“⋯Have you changed a lot thanks to me? My stamina has improved a bit, and I learned a lot thanks to my brother. I got a lot from my brother. ⋯Thanks to you, I was very happy, and I will be very happy in the future.”
“…In a dirty way?”
“⋯Are you in a good mood?”
“It’s a little loose.”
You are good
I love you.
I want to live happily with you.
With you, I can overcome any hardship.
I keep receiving endless expressions of affection from the person I love,
There’s no way I won’t feel better.
“⋯I like it better when oppa is smirking like this than when he is having a hard time.”
“I?”
“Look. You pretend not to know knowing everything.”
Not realistic,
Not moral,
Even if it’s forbidden love, it doesn’t matter.
If I’m with you
It seemed like something would work.
“⋯Winter.”
“Huh.”
“I don’t think I’ll be recognized honestly by my mother.”
“What would happen if I took about 100 friends and persuaded them together?”
“⋯ Will it work?”
⋯I don’t know if I’ll be persuaded or not,
Making 100 friends is probably not possible.
That’s kind of difficult
Shall we compromise with 50 people?
If you work hard and live well, it might be possible.
“⋯Is it difficult?”
“You will never understand.”
Unless I’m winter
If you know that Winter can never be happy without me,
⋯ Still, it will be difficult to understand.
Wouldn’t it be possible to be recognized?
I’m sure you’ll get hurt
Because we can take care of it.
“Ah, brother. ⋯If oppa is really having a hard time and wants to be understood…”
As she chewed on her guilt and thought hard about how to gain recognition, her sister’s face turned serious.
⋯Did you worry too deeply?
It seems that the expression was very bad, my younger brother hugged me tightly again and trembled.
I took out even the last resort to appease my mood.
“Brother, I will give birth to a child.”
“⋯What?”
“My brother gave birth to a child… If we raise him well… ⋯If we raise our children well like our mothers do⋯, they might understand us later when they grow up⋯.”
“⋯.”
“⋯Jung,Jung If you say you can’t do it…Let me think about getting pregnant… ⋯ Seriously.”
My feelings for you, which had been wet for a while,
Again, it spewed smoke and burned brilliantly.
Bigger than ever.
Fueled by love
